Saturday, November 29, 2008

More New Layouts and a Sale!

Some more new layouts ....











Credits can be found here @ DST

Also, FruitLoOp Sally is having a huge sale @ Inspiration Lane - if you are looking for some whimsical - funky - adorable kits, check her out and get them while they are on sale!

Friday, November 28, 2008

Another awesome giveaway!!!

Check out Deal Seeking Mom's blog for a chance to win a $100 Walmart Gift Card! You can have three entries - so don't delay! With Christmas upon us, I don't know of anyone who couldn't use an extra $100.

Deal Seeking Mom Blog

Don't delay - you have till December 1st!!!

Happy Blogging!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Self esteem or the lack thereof....

I've battled self esteem issues all my life - I started out very, very thin and tall...and as puberty hit (with a vengence I might add), I started gaining weight...and ever since then it's been a struggle. I've lost weight here and there but usually thanks to some less than ideal "diet"....for instance the time I was smoking and lost 85lbs - not exactly a doctor recommended weight loss plan. Go figure! Lose weight but your lungs are shot to hell!

Since we moved here to PI on March 30th, I've gained 30lbs - all the weight I put on with my pregnancy with Victoria, I had lost and now have put on and then some. I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I am at my highest weight ever and that is not something I am proud of. Every day its a battle to get dressed and leave the house - I'd rather no one see me like this.

On top of that, the stress has done one hell of a job on my looks in general - I seriously look like I've aged 10 yrs just since we moved here - the dark circles/bags under my eyes stand out more than ever...no amount of makeup will cover them....I feel like a bag of smashed assholes! (Thanks Karl for putting that phrase in my head, lol.)

I look in the mirror and I hate who I see - I don't even recognize myself anymore - I know who I am on the inside, but it doesn't match who I am on the outside.

I look haggard and old/worn out....I don't look like the vibrant 32 yr old, mother of 2, I should be.

I know that I can work to get this weight off but can I ever reverse the stress damage done to my face? Will I ever look in the mirror and like what I see again?

I have a sister, who I know only says it in jest, least I hope so...but is constantly asking my kids, "don't you wish your mama was hot like me"....and commenting to me about how much better she looks - I don't think she understands what those words do to me.

Karl took pictures of Victoria opening gifts on Saturday and I am in many of them and honestly I'd prefer if no one ever saw them - I look like a moose....how did I let myself go? why did I let myself go? Why did I let the stress of this move...the stress of Trevor's diagnosis....the family stress....why did I let it suck me in?

I need to feel better about myself - I want to love the person I am when I look in the mirror - I don't want to continue hiding from the world - I need to change...but how....how do I dig myself out of this hideous trap? It's like being in a really deep hole in the ground and trying to claw your way out with your barehands ....god this sucks.................

Thank you Kerryanne!

I just want to give a shout-out to my friend, Kerryanne - she graciously sent me 5 or 6 books on Aspergers/Autism. It's such a huge help with money being as tight as it is right now! I really appreciate it! Thank you so much!!! Hugs!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

One year ago today, I laid in a hospital bed holding my newborn daughter, gazing down at her, soaking in every bit of her new baby goodness, amazed that once again, I was bestowed this gift of life - this miracle - that I was allowed the honor of bringing another new life into the world.

My morning started by waking around 4am and having to use the bathroom, only to discover I was spotting. I was just 5 days away from my due date, and the presence of some blood, be it a small amount, but blood no less, left me worried. I woke Karl to tell him what was going on...and went to the bathroom again, only to see a bit more spotting. I put a call into the doctor, and the doctor on call, said it was most likely nothing but to go into the ER just the same, better to be safe than sorry. So around 5am that morning, after our friend Jay came to stay with Trevor, off we went to the hospital. I was registered and immediately brought up to L&D, and hooked up to monitors. I was contracting every 2-3 minutes and they were becoming more painful as they went on.

Long story short, after much discussion about whether to keep me or send me home, my doctor arrived and decided that with the contractions coming so quickly, the fact I was dilated to 3cm, he gave the ok to admit me and prep me for my c/section. I had originally been scheduled to have a c/section on the following Monday - 11/26.

After that things, got rock-n-rollin' pretty quickly! Before I knew it I was walking down the hall to the OR - its like taking your final walk ...lol...you go in as one and come out as two...

And finally, at 11:28am, Victoria Shannon made her appearance - 8lbs 13oz and 19.75 inches - full head of black hair - and every bit as gorgeous as I had imagined.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Victoria,

I can't begin to tell you how much my heart ached for you...how I dreamed about you....all of this before you were ever conceived...I knew you in my heart before I knew you were in the womb. It took us over 2.5 yrs to conceive you, but I believe when they say, good things come to those who wait. You were every bit worth the wait and then some!

It seems like just yesterday we brought you home from the hospital - so tiny - so beautiful - so dependent on us. Those first nights when you were up all night are just such distant memories now. I have watched you blossom and grow over the past year - watched all your "firsts" - watching as the love you have for Trevor grows more each day.

You have this way about you, where you can make everyone around you smile. Your personality is so much larger than life! I am honored to be your mother! I love you more than you can possibly know.

It is in thanks to you and your brother, that I can say I know what love is. Your father and I are blessed beyond words!

Happy 1st Birthday Victoria!

I love you!!! xoxoxo
Click to play Victoria  - One Year
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Thursday, November 20, 2008

New Layouts!

For those that don't know - I *LOVE* digital scrapbooking!

Thought I'd share some of my latest layouts!















All credits can be found in my gallery @ ErinShannon's DST Gallery

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Asperger's Confirmation

I am too tired to elaborate more at the moment, but we got our confirmation today that Trevor does indeed have Asperger's Syndrome. I finally feel like we can move forward and begin to get the help he, as well as Karl and I need.

And now I can tell family who seemed to think that it was a discipline issue that they were wrong - we have done nothing wrong - he is who he is - and no amount of spanking that child would make his brain different.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

It's here!

Tomorrow is the big day - we take Trevor down to Portland for his evaluation. I am hoping that we will come home tomorrow with answers and a renewed sense of hope. We have to be down there around 10am, so it means leaving early.

I've spent the day today trying to clean house and get things done - I hate going away, even for just a day, and coming home to a mess. Tonight I have to take all of Victoria's essentials over to my sisters house - she is going to keep Victoria for us for the day.

A friend told me about a book today, "The Elephant in the Playroom" - In The Elephant in the Playroom, moms and dads from across the country write intimately and honestly about the joyful highs and disordered lows of raising children who are “not quite normal.” Laying bare the emotional, medical, and social challenges they face, their stories address issues ranging from if and when to medicate a child, to how to get a child who is overly sensitive to the texture of food to eat lunch. Eloquent and honest, the voices in this collection will provide solace and support for the millions of parents whose kids struggle with ADD, ADHD, sensory disorders, childhood depression, Asperger’s syndrome, and autism—as well as the many kids who fall between diagnoses.

Offering readers comfort, community, and much-needed perspective, The Elephant in the Playroom is sure to become essential reading for parents of special needs kids.

I've added this book to my current wish list - I've had several books also recommended by Trevor's pediatrician - but right now money is quite tight - so the books are on hold for now.

Wish us luck tomorrow!

Monday, November 17, 2008

And so it continues....

I am still working on weaning Victoria - it's been really hard on both of us I must admit. The first two nights, she would wake up right around 1:30am, I'd give her a sippy of milk and she'd play in our bed for a bit, and then off to her crib she'd go. But the third night, I decided to switch to water, as I didn't want her to get into the habit of thinking it was always going to be milk. She didn't mind the water. But the last two nights, she hasn't been exactly happy with me at all. She's clawed at my tank top, trying desperately to get at the breast. It is killing me to have to deny her - I know that is what she wants and it comforts here and I feel like the biggest heel for not letting her have it.

I am still nursing her during the day and this morning after breakfast, I was getting her dressed and I had just gotten her diaper off, and she stands up and latches right on and starts nursing all the while bucked naked - she was frantic - like she couldn't wait to get to it - poor little thing - she wasn't about to let go either. It's just breaking my heart. Why does this have to be so hard?

Rock the Vote!

I entered Victoria's picture into a contest - and if you would, I'd love the vote!

Here is the link - Vote Here

Thanks!

Friday, November 14, 2008

The time has come....

It's with a heavy heart, much thought, and discussion, that I have decided to wean Victoria. I am in a place in my life, where my health, both physically and mentally, are on the decline and I need to take care of myself...in order to do so, I need to go on some medication...medication that I do not feel comfortable taking while nursing.

For anyone that knows me, they will know how much I hated breastfeeding at the beginning. I remember those long nights where she literally slept maybe 30 mins all night, and the rest of the time was spent on the breast....where she seemed to always want to nurse....where my breasts ached...where I felt tied down...where I dealt with oversupply and overactive letdown....

It wasn't till about 5 months or so, that I started to be able to say I enjoy breastfeeding. There were many times in those first couple months, that I came very close to quitting. If Vic had taken a bottle or if we had found a formula she could have stomached, I most definitely would have switched. But instead I plugged on, doing it for her cause I knew she enjoyed it so.

As I reached each new goal - 3 mths, 6 mths, 9 mths, I felt this sense of victory deep inside me, for making it to each goal. My major goal was to make it to 1 yr - and with 10 days left till her first birthday, I can say I have been successful. I figured that after the 12 mth mark, I'd just follow her cues and let her lead the weaning process. As it is, she has slowed down her nursing during the day for the past month, give or take. I just assumed we'd be nursing for quite some time to go.

So it makes my heart sad to now have to actively begin the weaning process. I think there is also this part of me that knows that we are done having children, and the thought of her no longer nursing is breaking my heart - knowing I will never get to experience that closeness, that emotion with another baby. Her weaning is just another sign of my baby growing up and the dynamic of our relationship changing!

I decided to start last night with the weaning process - since she still gets up at least once a night, I wanted to cut that feeding out, so if nothing else, I could at least attempt to get some sleep from now on. She went to bed at 7pm, having nursed to sleep....woke up at 1:30am....I gave her a sippy of milk and she played for a bit, then I put her back in her crib and she fussed for a few, and before I knew it, she laid down and went back to sleep till 6:30am this morning. All in all, it went much better than I had imagined. She's quite attached to the breast, so I was expecting the worst. My goal is to work on cutting out the nightime nursing and then go to daytime. I am probably going about this all wrong, but I am doing what feels right to me.

Wish me luck!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Showing Off

I just have to show off Vic in her birthday dress - isn't she precious? I could just eat her up!!!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Halloween!

We've survived another Halloween - actually this was the first time in a couple years I was able to take Trevor out!

Back in 2006 I was having surgery on Halloween - needless to say I wasn't taking any child Trick or Treating! LOL! Thankfully a family friend was kind enough to take him out for us. Well then last year, I was extremely pregnant (read 36 weeks) with Victoria and going Trick or Treating wasn't on my list of fun things to do when fat and swollen and pregnant! LOL!!

But this year we had Halloween - after much going back and forth debate, he had finally decided that he did indeed want to go - but the kicker was, he wanted to dress as a vacuum - well, creative in some areas I am, however, in concocting costumes, I am not so talented. So I finally convinced him to give another costume some thought, and he decided to be Spiderman. Life is good! Spiderman is available at local stores! Woot! So we go to KMart, and get the costume...and in the closet it goes...till the week before Halloween when I decide that we should try it on to make sure of the fit, and low and behold, it didn't fit! So we take it back to KMart, but of course, they don't have the next size up....so we finally settle on a Star Wars Storm Trooper costume. He wasn't really thrilled with it at first, but what choice did we have with less than a week to Halloween?

And then lil Miss V - she was a butterfly - oh so cute! However, she did not want to keep her head piece on - much like she doesn't like to keep bows in her hair these days either! Oh and did I mention, that Trevor didn't want to wear his mask either? LOL! These two make a great pair! LOL!!

So without further ado, here are some pictures...

Halloween 2008 - Trevor 4.5 yrs and Victoria 11 mths