Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Self esteem or the lack thereof....

I've battled self esteem issues all my life - I started out very, very thin and tall...and as puberty hit (with a vengence I might add), I started gaining weight...and ever since then it's been a struggle. I've lost weight here and there but usually thanks to some less than ideal "diet"....for instance the time I was smoking and lost 85lbs - not exactly a doctor recommended weight loss plan. Go figure! Lose weight but your lungs are shot to hell!

Since we moved here to PI on March 30th, I've gained 30lbs - all the weight I put on with my pregnancy with Victoria, I had lost and now have put on and then some. I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I am at my highest weight ever and that is not something I am proud of. Every day its a battle to get dressed and leave the house - I'd rather no one see me like this.

On top of that, the stress has done one hell of a job on my looks in general - I seriously look like I've aged 10 yrs just since we moved here - the dark circles/bags under my eyes stand out more than ever...no amount of makeup will cover them....I feel like a bag of smashed assholes! (Thanks Karl for putting that phrase in my head, lol.)

I look in the mirror and I hate who I see - I don't even recognize myself anymore - I know who I am on the inside, but it doesn't match who I am on the outside.

I look haggard and old/worn out....I don't look like the vibrant 32 yr old, mother of 2, I should be.

I know that I can work to get this weight off but can I ever reverse the stress damage done to my face? Will I ever look in the mirror and like what I see again?

I have a sister, who I know only says it in jest, least I hope so...but is constantly asking my kids, "don't you wish your mama was hot like me"....and commenting to me about how much better she looks - I don't think she understands what those words do to me.

Karl took pictures of Victoria opening gifts on Saturday and I am in many of them and honestly I'd prefer if no one ever saw them - I look like a moose....how did I let myself go? why did I let myself go? Why did I let the stress of this move...the stress of Trevor's diagnosis....the family stress....why did I let it suck me in?

I need to feel better about myself - I want to love the person I am when I look in the mirror - I don't want to continue hiding from the world - I need to change...but how....how do I dig myself out of this hideous trap? It's like being in a really deep hole in the ground and trying to claw your way out with your barehands ....god this sucks.................

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