Saturday, April 25, 2009

Such a slacker!!

I've been such a slacker lately about blogging....I guess I hit one of those blogging funks...wondering to myself if anyone even reads this stuff, kwim?

Things have been crazy lately...which seems to be the norm for me especially with two little children. The weather is getting nicer finally...though I am afraid I might jinx it by having said that out loud...but hey, I can't deny the simple fact that it's over 60 degrees right now and steadily climbing to a predicted high of 77...the sun is shining...the birds are chirping....later the smell of barbecue will waif through the air...yum!

Short of going back to read my earlier entries, I can't remember if I mentioned that dad has chosen to stay at the nursing home permanently. I can't really begin to put into words what this means to me. The realistic part of me says this is what is best for him to get the best possible care, but the irrational - that is my daddy - part of me is just struggling to cope with the fact dad won't be coming home ....he's been in there over a month now and honestly, I am still struggling to come to terms with it. Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think I'd see the day my father, my hero, a man who has just been such a source of strength for our family, would succumb to an illness and be forced to make the decision to have to leave his home and family to let strangers care for him in a nursing home.

It makes you stop and think about your own life and what is in my own future - there is no way to know...and as morbid as it may seem, I hate to think that someday Trevor and Victoria will have to come visit me in a nursing home. I pray they never see my suffer, because let's face it, watching a loved one suffer isn't anything anyone wants to have to see.

Suddenly dad seems so frail to me - I can't even explain it.

I got a call this morning that he was taken from the nursing home to the ER and was being admitted to the hospital with pneumonia - at his age and in his condition, this isn't great news by any means...I am worried...who am I kidding? I am downright scared. Dad is just days shy of his 81st birthday, but I am not ready to say goodbye forever...I need him around longer...my children need their grampy...

Sometimes I can't help but think that life is cruel...we are born and given families that we (mostly) love....people in our lives that mean the world to us ....and we are really with them such a short time in the grand scheme of things...and everyone continues to grow older right along with us...and one day, you are faced with watching them leave this world....here they brought you into the world and now you watch as they leave the world...just seems like a cruel joke to me...

I thank god that I have such wonderful friends - most of them have been made over the course of the last 6 years - most met online - and yet the friendships are so meaningful to me - I may not have met them in person, but that matters nothing to me...they are truly wonderful! When I posted today on Facebook about dads condition this morning, I had such caring responses from my friends...and I hope they know how much that means to me at a time like this.

2 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to hear about your Dad! I will keep him (and you!) in my prayers! *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am truly sorry to hear about your Dad. I can feel how hard this is for you through your words and your fear.

    I guess I hold on to the fact that life is a cycle and this is how it's meant to be. This is how it's best that things progress. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, doesn't mean it doesn't suck, doesn't mean that we don't often wish we could change it.

    I pray you have many many more years with your Dad and that he is only taken from you when you are ready to let him go.

    HUGS

    ReplyDelete