Today is Father's Day...the first Father's Day without my daddy. I can already tell all these "first" holidays are going to be so hard. I miss dad so much! I laid in bed the other night and cried myself to sleep...visions of him at the hospital that final night filling my head...replaying it over and over....wishing I had visited more...wishing I had told him more of my feelings for him.
It's foolish - we live in a world where we always think we have time - time to finish school, time to change careers, time to learn a language, time to play with our children, time to get healthy, time to loose weight, time to tell those we love how we feel....and the reality is, we don't! We never know when our final moment will come or worse yet, when our loved ones final moment will come, and will we have said and done what we wanted to when they are gone? Will we have regrets?!
I have regrets ...I am confident that dad knew how much I loved him but I wish I could have told him before he was gone how much of a hero he was to me...how I loved him to the moon and back...how I admired the type of family man he was...how I have the work ethic I do thanks to him ....how much he taught me about life.
There are no do-overs...no second chances really...what there is, is the here and now. Make the most of it! Hug your kids extra tight! Tell those around you that you love them and what they mean to you! Get healthy! Don't put off living life thinking you'll always have tomorrow!
I'd give anything to be able to sit down with dad right now...to hold his hand one more time...to kiss his face....to hug him...to tell him how much I loved him and that he truly was an outstanding dad ...how my children loved him so much...how Karl admired him...I'd give anything for that...to go back in time for just a bit and see him smiling again....telling his funny stories....laughing....just being dad...
They say time heals all wounds...and I guess only time will tell if that is the case because right now my heart is still in a million little pieces in the pit of my soul.
The other night I was getting Victoria ready for bed and she was asking as she does so often these days where Karl was...so I told her daddy was at work. And then she asked where Trevor was...and I told her he was in the other room. And then she asked where her cousin Katie was, and again, I told her Katie was home. So I then asked her where grampy was...and she clear as a bell replied, "died"...she said it several times. She amazes me with how smart she is already. I asked her is she sees Grampy and she replied, "yes" ...and I said "where" and she pointed to her heart. I began to cry ..and she just patted my arm and face...how sweet the innocence of a child.
Happy Father's Day daddy...wish you were here so I could tell you in person...I miss you so much...love you....xoxo Erin