Thursday, July 30, 2009

Soul crushing moment today.....

I had to have a chest x-ray today because of the funky feeling I had in my chest a couple weeks ago, which I still swear is just stress related. Anyways, they give me a gown to put on, and then a robe over it...both were extremely tight across the chest and arms! So I had the x-rays and then went to change and I couldn't get out of them....I started to panic as embarrassment washed over me...wondering would I have to call that male x-ray technician over to help me...with the gown going one way and the robe the other way, and both being tight, it was like being in a straight-jacket. I yanked and pulled and tried to get my arms back but it was so tight I could only move so much...and the panic set in...and I was on the verge of tears....beads of sweat running down my face...it was at that very moment that I was reminded exactly what I am pursuing the surgery! I can't begin to explain how soul crushing...hot utterly embarrassing something like this....when a normal, ole hospital gown is so tight that you struggle for 10 minutes to get it off. I don't know how it finally came off, honestly I don't! I can't believe I am actually sharing this publicly ...admitting this is so hard, but I feel like if I am going to do this, I might as well share the good and bad along the way!

Monday, July 27, 2009

Tired of family....

Yes, I know how that title sounds....and no, I don't need the lecture from the anonymous commenter letting me know how thankful I need to be....save it for someone else!

I have one of those families who never think before they speak...who never hesitates to give their unsolicited opinion on just about everything....who will critique you up on side and down the other.

And today happened to be one of *those* days!!!

I went over tonight to moms for a couple minutes to pick something up and she proceeds to tell me she doesn't like what Trevor is doing. Of course, I asked what she meant, and she says, "has ever seen dogs do it?"....I knew of course what she meant, but I am 33 yrs old, married with two kids, I think she can say "having sex" to me...give me a break...so anyways, I said what do you mean? And she goes on to say, "you know, doing *it*? I said, "you mean going to the bathroom?" and she's like "no, doing IT"...so I said "no, why?" and she proceeds to tell me that she's caught Trevor a few times grinding against Victoria and that when she was at our house yesterday Trevor was laying on the floor playing and told Victoria to sit on him. Give me a big old effin' break!!! He is 5 for Pete's sakes! No, he hasn't seen dogs have sex, nor has he seen anyone else have sex!!! He is 5!!!! He has no clue on this earth that what he is doing, could be something sexually. He is 5!!! I just can't stress that enough...he's a 5 yr old little boy, who incidentally has Aspergers and is just playing with his little sister. He didn't ask her to sit on his privates or anything like that...they'll play on the floor and she'll sit on his tummy or something...much like they do with me when I lay on the floor. For the love of god, it's not sexual! She made it seem like he was some freak....some pervert! It hurts my heart ...that is my little boy....he isn't some freak! He's just playing! He has no clue about sex! She went on to say that we need to stop this now...that it doesn't look good!

I am so stinkin' tired of people talking badly about Trevor...this is my child....do people not understand that this shit hurts me? He is just a little boy!!!

I wish I didn't have to rely oh her as much as I do for watching the kids because I am sick of having to leave them with her.

Trevor told me earlier today that when they are over there and Vicky cries, mom just tells her to cry louder....grrr.....don't get me wrong, my kids aren't perfect...they have their flaws...their naughty moments....but I don't appreciate anyone telling my crying child to just cry louder. WTF is wrong with people?!

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and was supposed to be leaving Victoria and Trevor with mom and now I wish I didn't have to....and I can't cancel otherwise I'll be charged and I can't afford to do that either....sigh....I am just so pissed off......

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Another garage sale weekend!

I had planned another garage sale for this weekend...seems every time I do, it pours cats and dogs...but I didn't let it stop me....I did surprisingly well when you consider how crappy the weather was - taking in almost $120 for the two days....granted I would have loved to have done so much more, but I'll take what I can get. I happily (and finally) unloaded the kids highchair, the Arms Reach Co-Sleeper and the Fisher Price Smart Cycle...only one other "big" item left - which is Trevor old Step 2 desk. I got rid of a bunch of cd's, a box of DVD movies, cake pans, bits and pieces of my apple collection, some kids toys, etc.

One of the perks of doing this was I was able to have two days of quiet reading time....I got two books read this weekend ...."The Dirty Girls Social Club" and "Water for Elephants"....both were really good books that I'd recommend to anyone!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Laying it all out....

After much thought, much reading on the Internet as well as material my sister was able to share with me, and talking to several friends who have had Gastric Bypass Surgery, I have indeed decided to go ahead with it.

I can already hear the gasps...I already know that so many people won't be in my corner...I am fully aware that there are those who will feel I have chosen the easy way out...that I am cheating....that I must obviously think this is a quick fix...

To that I say, I know what I am doing....I understand the decision I have made...this isn't a quick fix by any means, this is probably one of the hardest things I will ever embark upon...I know that my life will forever be changed, and I am ok with that.

If this colors the way you see me now...if you judge me for this...well, I can't make apologies for that. This is something I need to do ....need to do for myself first and foremost and for my family secondly!

I don't expect others to understand how I could make this choice, if you had asked me 10 yrs ago, I would have shook my head as well...but life happens...things happen...you get to a place where you never thought you'd be.

Yes, I know there are risks...heck, there are risks in everything we do...but there are also risks in me continuing to live my life like I am now....there are risks to me being the weight I am now...I could drop tomorrow and leave my children without a mother. I have to believe that everything will work out for the best!

I am so blessed to know as I head down this road, I have complete and total support from Karl, as well as my sister, and several friends who have already had this surgery!

I have called my doctor today to ask for the referral to get the process started. It isn't going to happen overnight...it typically takes 6 mths to go through everything before you have surgery and of course, that will depend too, upon whether or not, they deem you a candidate. So even though, I have made the decision to go throgh with this, there is no guarantee that I will be able to have it in the end, but I will never know if I don't try.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Two steps forward.....one giant step back.....

Yesterday afternoon I decided to implement a new system with Trevor - to help with his attitude/behavior and also to help with the chores around the house. It was wonderful last night! He cleaned his room spotless without help...without whining....it was just perfect! I was so proud of him!!! I knew he had it in him!!!

I was in heaven last night with how well it went!

Today though....totally different story....back to the same ole' story. It's so defeating....I try so hard...try to make it fun and a game....and I feel like I am just constantly getting beat down.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Dr. Appointments

For those not in the know, we live in a rather small "city" in Northern Maine - doctors are not a plenty here! At Victoria's 18 month well check-up, I mentioned to her pediatrician that we were getting concerned about her birthmark, and the fact it had some dark hair in the center. She suggested we see a Dermatologist, but the kicker is, apparently there aren't any locally, so we had to wait for the "Dermatology Clinic" at the hospital - doctors come up for a couple days from down state every couple/few months and see patients at the hospital. Luckily they were able to get us into this latest clinic and today was her appointment. The scheduled appointment time was 11:15am - we arrived shortly after 11am and checked in and then sat. Trying to keep her occupied and not running off, was quite fun! The waiting area was right next to a huge flight of stairs down to the lower level. I was quite petrified that she'd take off and end up falling down those stairs. 11:30am came and went! 11:45 came and went! I was getting increasingly annoyed, esp. because now it's Vicky's lunch time and she's cranky and tired and hungry. Finally just as I was about to tell them it would have to be rescheduled, they finally came to call us back at noon.

We go back into a room and then we proceed to wait more...and wait...and wait...the Dr. didn't come in till almost 12:30pm. By this point I am damned ticked off...Vicky is right pissy....

He takes a look and says from what he sees and what I am telling him, it's a completely normal mole. He goes on to say we can shave the hair in the center, or pluck it, or electrolysis or laser. If we were to ever decide to have it removed, it shouldn't leave to big a scar. Then he took a look at her eczema, and we talked briefly about that and he said he was going to give a script for that. And that was it!

So we were ushered back out to the waiting area while we waited for the prescription!

We left there and went to Walmart to get her script filled and pick up a ready one of Trevor's....I am told that it will be about 30 minutes...so I walk around Walmart to kill time....had no money to actually shop, so we were just simply trying to waste time. I get back to the pharmacy only to be told it needs a pre-authorization before it can be filled. So we basically wasted half an hour for absolutely nothing! Grrr!!!

This afternoon,I also had a "Dr.'s" appointment....I say doctor in quotes because I only see a physicians assistant...again, such a small area, hard to get an actual doctor. I've been having this weird pain in my chest and I was thinking it was some sort of panic/anxiety attack. Well the "Dr." doesn't think it's my heart - she thinks it's due to my stomach issues...but is sending me for an EKG and chest x-ray.

I also asked her about surgery...I've been contemplating Gastric Bypass surgery. I have a sister who is currently going through the process and I have had several friends who have had either GB or Lap-Band surgery, it's something I've been thinking about for some time, but finally decided to ask her about it. She said to say the word and she'd give me the referral down to Bangor to start the process. Karl is onboard with it and supports me and I know I would have the support of my sister who is doing it. The only thing that sucks would be having to travel the 3 hours for each appointment, but really that is something we are doing now for all of Trevor's specialists, so what's one more?! If I decide to do this, definitely will be more to come in my blog!!!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Difficult Times...

The past couple days dad has really been on my mind...today was no exception! We took a ride today, just for something to do since it was actually a nice day out. As we drove along, my mind went to dad....oh how I miss him so much! And then it clicked - it was two months on the 17th since he passed away. I guess subconsciously I had been thinking about this, but it wasn't until today that it came to me. I wish this wasn't so difficult...it's not fair! I just want him back! I never imagined just how much this would absolutely hurt!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Big Decisions

I've been pondering returning to work for a while now - trying to decide what I can feasibly do when you have a child with an ASD, who has appointments every time you turn around, and then of course a toddler. (It's strange to refer to Victoria as a toddler - it seems like she was just born - I still call her the baby)

Ever since I was pregnant with Victoria I have wanted to become a Douala, but I had put the thought out of my head and life went on. Well, I sat down two nights ago and decided to check out the information again, and guess what? I've decided to finally do it!!!

I am beyond excited! It's been a long time since I have felt this excited about much of anything, especially a job/career! I am hoping to start training next month (August) but may have to put it back a month if we are able to find an apartment to move into next month. Either way, I know it's in my immediate future and I couldn't be happier about that!

My actual goal is to start with Birth Douala training, and eventually continue on with Childbirth Educator and Breastfeeding Counselor training! The idea of helping women at the most glorious time of their life is such an incredible thought! And really, what an honor to be able to help a woman at that time!

I really am looking forward to this new chapter of my life.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

What a day!

So for those not in the know, I had a colonoscopy today! It's about as fun as one might imagine! LOL!! I've been suffering for 15 yrs now with stomach issues, and finally it looks like I am getting an answer! The Dr. found I have ulcers in my small intestine - does this surprise anyone? Surely not me! It's not like I haven't had an enormous amount of stress these days...and it doesn't help that I am not one of those laid back people to begin with...I am high strung...sigh! In addition to that, he also believes I have Crohns Disease. He is starting me on a high fiber diet along with a medication. Here is hoping we can get me feeling better!

Let me just say that the prep for the test is way worse than the test itself. It started from the moment I got up yesterday morning, no solids only a liquid diet. Can we say "yum"? yeah, didn't think so! At noon I had to take two Dulcolax tabs, then at 2pm I had to mix a whole bottle of Miralax with a 64oz. jug of Gatorade and drink that and then at 6pm, take two more Dulcolax. Needless to say, I was starving...then I started getting light-headed and weak feeling...I ended up going to bed early because I couldn't handle it anymore.

This morning I had to be there at 7:30am for my test....after some question and answers, I was hooked up to an IV, my bp monitored, given some adorable (read: sarcasm) paper shorts with a trap door, and waited for the big test.

After they wheeled me into the procedure room, I was hooked up to oxygen, and a bp monitor, as well as a monitor for my heart. I laid there watching the lines on the monitor beep along...and immediately I was brought back to just two short months ago - that last night with dad in the hospital...seeing that machine above his bed...watching his heart....seeing the monitor going off...hearing the alarm bells....seeing it flash "extreme tachycardia"....eventually them turning it off and bringing us to that private room to sit with dad till he passed. All those memories flooding back...and here I was laying in the procedure room, waiting for my colonoscopy, and the flood gates opened and I was breaking down. God, why is this still so painful? I miss him more than words! There I laid crying my eyes out, and having to pull myself together before they came in to do the procedure and find me bawling.

Luckily I was put out of the procedure and had no clue what was going on! When they woke me I had a much harder time waking up ...I just rolled over and went back to sleep. Don't get me wrong, the nurses were very nice but at that moment, I wanted to tell them to leave me alone and let me sleep. I kept falling back to sleep...drifting in and out....hardly aware of where I was. They woke me up once again and this time they had me sit up and my siesta was officially over! I felt so woozy and light headed!

The Dr. came out and explained what they found, etc, and I was free to go home! I am glad that part of things is over - now we just wait to see what the results of the biopsy are.

I came home and still didn't feel good - so I laid down for a bit. That was wonderful till the children came home from Nana's house! LOL!! After that the afternoon went downhill even more!

Sigh!

Why is it we seem to have a couple good days with Trevor and then the crap seems to hit the ceiling? He had a total meltdown this afternoon...actually several of them...hit me with a child's play broom...tried to bite me...headbutted me...kicked me in the face....he screamed...he yelled...he spit...the list goes on and on....then he ripped one of Victoria's dresses up....the stress is going to kill me.

If that isn't bad enough, while all this is going on, Victoria latches on to my hand and bites me so hard that I seriously thought I was going to loose some flesh...it hurt like hell! About this time I started having this heavy feeling in my chest...like an elephant was sitting on my chest and strangely enough on my back as well. The feeling wasn't going away...and I began to wonder if it was from the stress? Dinner came and went and I couldn't eat...the pain wasn't going away...by 7pm, I thought I'd end up a the emergency room...now I am struggling to breathe...and starting to panic...don't know if it's the stress or some trapped gas from the procedure earlier in the day. I take a Gas-X strip and in about 30 minutes I am starting to feel better...phew! That was extremely scary...I never want to feel that again!

I've done some reading tonight about Crohns disease....and it appears that stress does indeed make it worse, which leads me to wonder how do *I* destress? I don't know how to begin to do that? I am at a loss....suggestions?

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Lesson learned??

For what seems like an eternity, we've had an issue with Victoria biting. It started out with biting while nursing...by the time a session would end, it would feel like my breasts had been run through a cheese grater -OUCH!! Eventually it progressed to biting when angry and now she also bites just for fun....her fun!!! I've tried practically everything and nothing is getting her to stop. I've had numerous people tell me to bite her back and honestly that never sat well with me.

If you could see me now, I have several bites on my breasts and arms. Well today while playing she reached down and bite my leg....so painful let me tell ya....so out of fustration, I reached down and bit her back. She wasn't even phased! She said, "owww" and that was it. But this is also the child who you can pat her head and she screams "oww"...lol...she's so dramatic.

Well Trevor and I went out grocery shopping this afternoon after this incident. I left Vicky here at home with Karl. I get home and Karl tells me to ask Vicky what Trevor did to her. So I did...and she shows me her arm....yep, the bite I gave her....it's a tiny red mark...BUT she's blaming poor Trev! LOL!! Karl really thought Trevor had done it...lol....I had to tell him it was me! All afternoon Vic kept pointing to it and saying, "Trevor"...lol!!!

So....unfortunately there was no lesson learned here and she's now becoming a tattle tale who lies! LOL!! We are doing a bang-up job here! LOL!

Friday, July 3, 2009

Another bad week...

It seems lately as though I have more bad weeks, then good ones! I am not sure why it happened but Trevor started going downhill again this week. It all began Monday with asking him to pick up a toy as I was vacuuming, and from there it escalated and rapidly went downhill. He ended up biting me, screaming at me, telling me he hated me, etc. He saw me crying later and asked me what my damn problem was. Maybe I shouldn't let him see me cry, I don't honestly know...but I want him to see what emotions are like....how his words effect me, whether he understands them or not. I went to bed that night before 8pm, emotionally and physically drained....crying my eyes out....mourning the loss of all the hopes and dreams I had for Trevor...Asperger's Syndrome was not part of my big plan. I laid there thinking how this would have been easier if it was something they could have told us at birth...you know something like, "mam, your son has Asperger's Syndrome"...and we could of learned along the way, gotten help from the start, and adjusted right off....instead we go almost 5 yrs and suddenly the "perfect" child I had given birth to is suddenly not-so-perfect anymore. All those hopes and dreams crushed! Instead we've gone all those years before finding out, struggling all along, trying to understand why he acted the way he did, questioning my parenting abilities. It's not fair...I didn't sign up for this...I hate this damn disorder and what it's done to my precious child...what it's doing to our family.

All week it's been hell....between multiple outbursts daily and then not sleeping at night. I don't know why all of a sudden his sleep is disrupted again, it boggles the mind. It seems we go a couple months of doing well sleep-wise and then suddenly, it all goes haywire again.

I had finally had enough Monday afternoon and called the pediatrician to see if we could get an appointment to go over what was going on. Well, long story short, after talking to the nurse, the doctor decided that it would be best to have him seen immediately by a psychiatrist - unfortunately, it would have been September before a local one could see him, so we were left the option of going to Bangor yet again. I called the clinic in Bangor and they were able to get us in yesterday @ 9:30am.

So yesterday morning we dropped Vics off at moms at 5:30am, and off we went to Bangor. Did I mention this is the 5th trip we've had to make since November because the area we live in seriously lacks the support and services and specialists we need. After meeting with a counselor of some sort, honestly I meant to look at her certificate on the wall, but it slipped my mind...I don't know if she's like a social worker, counselor, intake person or what...but that is besides the point right now, we met with her and went over numerous questions about Trevor. When we got done, she then calls in the Psychiatrist who sits down for a few minutes, reads over the notes, asks a few questions and says we will up his medication to three times a day instead of twice, and that is basically it. She said this was very typical of Aspergers kids. Great, we already knew that! What I wanted was some direction to go in, some support, how to handle these outbursts. Instead all I got was a new prescription - don't get me wrong, I am not opposed to medication if it will help, but I don't want him a zombie either, plus what do we do till the extra medication kicks in and has a chance to work. She also wants him to have an EKG and fasting blood panel...so we left with scripts for that and the medication change, as well as an appointment to come back yet again in a month.

I am just so spent...the stress is slowly killing me...my stomach is a mess...I am at my breaking point....emotionally I am drained. I need to call my doctor and see if she can refer me to someone to talk to before I explode and have a total breakdown.

Yesterday Karl got a new desk from work, so we figured we'd put our old one in Trevor's room. Well Trevor got up in the middle of the night, helped himself to Popsicles, turned on the television and computer, and then drug the desk into the hallway where it proceeded to get stuck...in the process dinging up the door frame and taking paint off. Karl got up and found him ...when Karl told him to get back to bed, Trevor slapped him. Sigh....

You know the real kick in the pants? He is wonderfully behaved in church and school. The doctors have explained that he meltdown at home because this is his "safe" place...where he feels comfortable to let it all out...while I am glad he has the ability to feel comfortable at home with us, at the same time, constantly dealing with these meltdowns and constant rage is defeating.

Growing up, all I ever wanted was to be a mother...I imagined my life with children....and now that I am a mother, I honestly, and this is hard to publicly admit, I feel like I've made a huge mistake...I am struggling to do this...I feel like I am just failing miserably. I am not strong enough to keep doing this....don't get me wrong, I love my children, but I seriously have begun to question the fact that maybe I am just not cut out to be a parent. Maybe all those years of infertility should have been a sign for me....maybe I shouldn't have pushed on, maybe I should have just resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't meant to have children instead of continuing to try...to want something your whole life and then get it and find you are failing at it, is a huge blow to the system.

You know even Vic is being affected...when Trevor isn't home, she's a different child...the minute he's around, she starts acting just like him - screaming, yelling, spitting, biting, not listening, whining, getting into trouble, throwing things. She watches everything he does and copies him, and that isn't a good thing! If we don't get things under control soon, I'll really have two children on the spectrum - one legitimately and one who seems like she is merely from learned behavior from Trevor.

I can't help but wonder, will this always be a struggle? an uphill battle? I guess only time will tell....