It seems lately as though I have more bad weeks, then good ones! I am not sure why it happened but Trevor started going downhill again this week. It all began Monday with asking him to pick up a toy as I was vacuuming, and from there it escalated and rapidly went downhill. He ended up biting me, screaming at me, telling me he hated me, etc. He saw me crying later and asked me what my damn problem was. Maybe I shouldn't let him see me cry, I don't honestly know...but I want him to see what emotions are like....how his words effect me, whether he understands them or not. I went to bed that night before 8pm, emotionally and physically drained....crying my eyes out....mourning the loss of all the hopes and dreams I had for Trevor...Asperger's Syndrome was not part of my big plan. I laid there thinking how this would have been easier if it was something they could have told us at birth...you know something like, "mam, your son has Asperger's Syndrome"...and we could of learned along the way, gotten help from the start, and adjusted right off....instead we go almost 5 yrs and suddenly the "perfect" child I had given birth to is suddenly not-so-perfect anymore. All those hopes and dreams crushed! Instead we've gone all those years before finding out, struggling all along, trying to understand why he acted the way he did, questioning my parenting abilities. It's not fair...I didn't sign up for this...I hate this damn disorder and what it's done to my precious child...what it's doing to our family.
All week it's been hell....between multiple outbursts daily and then not sleeping at night. I don't know why all of a sudden his sleep is disrupted again, it boggles the mind. It seems we go a couple months of doing well sleep-wise and then suddenly, it all goes haywire again.
I had finally had enough Monday afternoon and called the pediatrician to see if we could get an appointment to go over what was going on. Well, long story short, after talking to the nurse, the doctor decided that it would be best to have him seen immediately by a psychiatrist - unfortunately, it would have been September before a local one could see him, so we were left the option of going to Bangor yet again. I called the clinic in Bangor and they were able to get us in yesterday @ 9:30am.
So yesterday morning we dropped Vics off at moms at 5:30am, and off we went to Bangor. Did I mention this is the 5th trip we've had to make since November because the area we live in seriously lacks the support and services and specialists we need. After meeting with a counselor of some sort, honestly I meant to look at her certificate on the wall, but it slipped my mind...I don't know if she's like a social worker, counselor, intake person or what...but that is besides the point right now, we met with her and went over numerous questions about Trevor. When we got done, she then calls in the Psychiatrist who sits down for a few minutes, reads over the notes, asks a few questions and says we will up his medication to three times a day instead of twice, and that is basically it. She said this was very typical of Aspergers kids. Great, we already knew that! What I wanted was some direction to go in, some support, how to handle these outbursts. Instead all I got was a new prescription - don't get me wrong, I am not opposed to medication if it will help, but I don't want him a zombie either, plus what do we do till the extra medication kicks in and has a chance to work. She also wants him to have an EKG and fasting blood panel...so we left with scripts for that and the medication change, as well as an appointment to come back yet again in a month.
I am just so spent...the stress is slowly killing me...my stomach is a mess...I am at my breaking point....emotionally I am drained. I need to call my doctor and see if she can refer me to someone to talk to before I explode and have a total breakdown.
Yesterday Karl got a new desk from work, so we figured we'd put our old one in Trevor's room. Well Trevor got up in the middle of the night, helped himself to Popsicles, turned on the television and computer, and then drug the desk into the hallway where it proceeded to get stuck...in the process dinging up the door frame and taking paint off. Karl got up and found him ...when Karl told him to get back to bed, Trevor slapped him. Sigh....
You know the real kick in the pants? He is wonderfully behaved in church and school. The doctors have explained that he meltdown at home because this is his "safe" place...where he feels comfortable to let it all out...while I am glad he has the ability to feel comfortable at home with us, at the same time, constantly dealing with these meltdowns and constant rage is defeating.
Growing up, all I ever wanted was to be a mother...I imagined my life with children....and now that I am a mother, I honestly, and this is hard to publicly admit, I feel like I've made a huge mistake...I am struggling to do this...I feel like I am just failing miserably. I am not strong enough to keep doing this....don't get me wrong, I love my children, but I seriously have begun to question the fact that maybe I am just not cut out to be a parent. Maybe all those years of infertility should have been a sign for me....maybe I shouldn't have pushed on, maybe I should have just resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't meant to have children instead of continuing to try...to want something your whole life and then get it and find you are failing at it, is a huge blow to the system.
You know even Vic is being affected...when Trevor isn't home, she's a different child...the minute he's around, she starts acting just like him - screaming, yelling, spitting, biting, not listening, whining, getting into trouble, throwing things. She watches everything he does and copies him, and that isn't a good thing! If we don't get things under control soon, I'll really have two children on the spectrum - one legitimately and one who seems like she is merely from learned behavior from Trevor.
I can't help but wonder, will this always be a struggle? an uphill battle? I guess only time will tell....