Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Yes, I am that mom...thank you very much!

Hi, my name is Erin, and I am *that mom*!

See, for quite some time now Vicky has been able to get herself out of the seat belt in shopping carts - she's so skinny that despite how tight I make it, she's able to slip out of it, which then results with her trying to stand in that little seat part, giving me a near heart attack. I went and bought this other harness thing that Velcros, so that I could put her in that as well as the shopping cart belt, but guess what? She's so tiny, that I've got it tightened as much as possible, and she still is able to slip her arms out of that one and wiggle out.

So shopping with Vic has become something of a fiasco. I'll be honest, I pretty much dread it!

As luck would have it, I found myself at Wal-Mart today with Vic and my sister. We aren't even in the store 2 minutes, when Vic has worked her magic and is proceeding to stand in the seat, so I take her down, because when she does this, it literally takes two people to be able to bend her legs to get them back through the holes, all while she's stiff as a board and screaming like I am murdering her. But the kicker is, lil Miss Independent does not want to hold hands...well, I don't feel Wal-Mart is the place for a 22 mth old to walk freely...and when I attempted to take her hand, she got ....what's the word I want to use....hmmm...fiesty....yeah, that's probably an understatement at I walked with her pushing the cart with one hand, holding her hand with the other despite her protests....and we walked right over to the little children's "jewelry" and I picked out a three pack of plastic bracelets and gave them to her to hold and keep her quiet, and bribe her into holding my hand. And for the most part it worked, till she saw a very cute princess-sy play cell phone and wanted to swap out her bracelets for that, and I did...and she walked through the store "chatting" away on her phone....and finally she asked to go back into the cart - the large part, not the actual seat, but it was something, right? And for the last few minutes of our trip, she sat there with her new cell phone, happy, content, and most importantly sitting on her butt, not trying to run wild and free.

So there you have it....I am that mom....the mom who will occasionally give her toddler a treat at the store to keep them quiet and bribe them into good behavior. I know, I's wrong on so many levels....I am going to raise a spoiled brat....she'll need therapy for years to come.....oh well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but for now, this mama needs some peace now and again, and I am not above buying it!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Weekend Update

Ooops...I just noticed I haven't blogged all week long....shame on me....

It's been a crazy week to say the least! We had an interview for an apartment back in August and they told us that it would be this fall - the latest by the end of the year, that they'd have an opening for us. So imagine my surprise when we get a call Monday letting us know that they had some openings and they'd be calling us in a few days again to get things going. Silly me, I assumed that they meant for the first of October, but that wasn't the case. She called back a couple days later and asked if we could come in and sign the lease. Well, that just wasn't enough time to get the funds together, not to mention I wanted to give a months notice here, because that is the decent thing to do, though we don't have a lease anymore. So we had to decline for now, and are slated to take the next open apartment, which would be the first week of October. So I've given the landlord our months notice and have begun packing.

Victoria has spent 3 days this week at my mom's house, so that I could pack all day long. It's been a huge help to have that time to myself without little "helping" hands! LOL!!

And then on Friday, Trevor had another appointment with his psychiatrist up in Fort Kent. My sister came over and watched Victoria while mom and I took Trevor up to the doctor. It takes just about an hour and half to get there - our appointment was for 1pm - doctor didn't come to get us from the waiting room till 1:15pm - he was carrying two briefcases and a jacket, so I am assuming he was running late. So we talked and went over how things have been the past three weeks, he upped the new medication for Trevor, and before I knew it, he said the appointment was over at we drove 3 hours total for a 30 minute appointment. I like the doctor ok, but this traveling once a month for this is a bit much for me. I am hoping that come winter we can spread appointments out because traveling those "woodsy" roads in snow/ice/etc are not for me. I will not do it! So, as I said, he upped his medication by 1/2 milligram and we go back in a month to see how that has helped.

On the way home, Trevor was complaining about his pants falling down, so mom suggested he get a belt, to which he replied, "but my pants don't have belt sleeves"....omgosh I thought we'd die laughing....of course, we didn't laugh out loud as to not embarrass him or make him wonder why we thought it was funny, but the whole "belt sleeves" was hysterical. LOL!

Today we had another yard sale (tomorrow too) - we are hoping to get rid of as much junk as possible before we move. I do not, repeat, do not want to have to move any unnecessary junk to the new place. My other sister came and took Victoria at 7:45am, to make it easier on us having the sale. We did fairly well all things considered - hoping tomorrow is another good day. Vicky didn't get home till 4pm!

I have to say that I feel like I haven't seen Victoria all week.....I miss her!!! It's a week like this that I am glad that she wakes up and we bring her into our bed - I get to snuggle and love on her - she curls into a little ball and wraps herself up in my arms and we go back to sleep together. Someday she's going to be 15 and curling up and hanging out with mom isn't going to be cool, though I promise to fight like hell to keep our relationship one where she does feel like she can come to me and hang out with me.

So that has been our week - crazy I tell ya!!! And I am afraid that with a move in the near future, things are going to continue to be crazy for a while. I am just thankful we will move before winter is here - nothing worse than moving when it's 95 degrees out or -40 degrees...and I am glad that we are moving before Victoria's birthday - now we'll be able to have a little party at our new place, and if anyone wants to get her stuff to help decorate her new room, that will be cool!!! I can't believe I finally will get to decorate a little girls room!!! LOL!! It's been a long time coming!!!

Oh and before I end for tonight, I must say that Trevor has been in school almost a month now and he's had a green apple! I am so incredibly proud of how well he is doing!!!


Saturday, September 12, 2009

Politicians could learn a thing or two from an Aspie kid....

Trevor never ceases to amaze me with the things he says. Having Aspergers, he notices everything around him, he listens to everything, he takes it all in, he is in essence a sponge. You may think he's not listening, but then a week later he'll speak of a conversation that he overheard you have, and you realize he was indeed listening. Never underestimate the brain of a child with Aspergers - they are incredibly smart. I wish I could take credit for it and say it was the hours upon hours of endless teaching I have done in the past 5.5 yrs, but I can't! LOL!! He's smart as he is thanks to having Aspergers and being able to retain so much information. I once read how kids with Aspergers are like a walking encyclopedia, and it's really apropos.

This morning Trevor asked me who the man was that was yelling at the President during his speech the other night. And I said, "Joe Wilson". And he said, "yes, why was he yelling at the President and not listening? That isn't very nice".

And there you have it!

A 5.5 yr old Aspie kid and he can recognize the importance of listening to the President speak and not being disrespectful.

Hey Joe Wilson - even my child knows when to be respectful to the President...perhaps you should take a lesson.

Imagine if we all just stopped and listened...really listened...instead of trying to impart our own agendas, instead of hearing only what we want to hear, instead of trying to spread fear and lies, what if we just listened respectfully? What a novel idea, huh?

Why is it that a mere 5 yr old knows how to behave better than a grown man? Maybe, politicians...heck, maybe everyone, could take a lesson from the kindergarten crowd and learn how to share again, learn to respect thy neighbor, learn how to play fair, learn how to be honest. Imagine how life would be if the rules we apply to our kindergartners were applied to all of us? Imagine if instead of taking out a gun and shooting our enemy, we had to talk it out, shake hands and be friends? Imagine if the worst thing we did required we be put in a time-out?

Why is it the older we get the less we follow the "rules" of being a good citizen?

The beauty of having an Aspie child is watching them take in the world around them, in a way that you or I can't do, and watch them figure things out that the rest of us can't. Maybe, just maybe they aren't the "different" ones...maybe we are ...maybe we have it all backwards...just some food for thought...

Friday, September 11, 2009

The big questions....

I thought I had time before Trevor started asking the big questions....but this morning he caught me off guard. Let me just say, when it comes to things like this, I need to be prepared, I am not good at answering off the cuff! LOL!!

So there we are...Trevor, Victoria and myself outside waiting for the school bus this morning. Trevor says he wants a new baby, one that he can dress and feed. He then went on to explain we'd have to get a nice, fancy crib from K-Mart (lol) and it would have to go next to my bed, because he doesn't want Victoria to bite his new baby, whom he'd like us to name Olivia.

And then he asked the big do mommies get pregnant?

Woah!!! Time to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off and try to quickly think of something age appropriate.

So I explained that it takes a lot of work between mommies and daddies....and sometimes it take a long time. So he asked why I wasn't pregnant?! (LOL) I explained that it just wasn't the right time right now. And then he asked me if somtimes it takes a lot of wishing...and I told him yes, yes it does.

Crisis adverted right now....but I am fairly sure that this won't be the last time he asks the big questions. But at least for now, I've hopefully given him enough to put it to rest for the moment.

Now it's time for this mama to find a book to help me be able to better answer him next time! Any suggestions?

Thursday, September 10, 2009

How sweet it is?

It took us years to be able to have children...we had been together 10 years by the time Trevor was born. I had always wanted children - imagined them when I was younger. I never imagined my life without children to be honest. I wasn't one who contemplated children, it was never a matter of if, it was a matter of when. It then took us another almost 4 yrs before Victoria was born. No, the gap wasn't planned, it just seems my body had other plans. I suffer from Endometriosis - one of the leading causes of infertility for women. The doctor who originally diagnosed it, said the chances of ever having children was slim....very slim. It was hard to hear that. You go through all these different stages - denial, anger, jealousy, and finally acceptance. It was when I finally accepted things that we found ourselves pregnant. Life really has a way of being funny with us, doesn't it?

With Victoria, when we realized nothing was happening again on our own, we sought out the help of my OB/GYN and he sent us for blood work(me) and Karl for a SA (semen analysis)...and before we even had the results back, guess who ends up with a positive pregnancy test? Yep! Me!! Again, life just likes to throw those curves at us! LOL!

I've never been happier in my life to be sick all the time...I've never been happier to be gaining weight ...I've never been happier to go to the doctor every time I turned around...pregnancy was an amazing time in my life. Knowing that finally my body was doing this...that I was growing a baby inside me...well, I just can't find the appropriate words for it. It's really mind blowing!

Seems like it was just yesterday...and yet here in just two short months, Victoria will be turning 2 years old. My baby is growing up and way faster than I'd like her to be. She has blossomed into this little person, full of sass, attitude, curls, giggles, kisses and grins...oh yes, and a few bites thrown in for good measure. And then there is Trevor, the boy who dazzled us from the moment he left the comfort of the womb...and now he'll be 6 years old in February. I can't believe I am the mother of an almost 6 year old. Didn't I *just* have that positive pregnancy test?

I sat here today with Victoria, Trevor was in his room playing, and she brought paper and a crayon to me, and asked me to write, "my baby"....she is always asking us to write "my baby"....I am not sure the significance of "my baby", but who am I to question it? And while I wrote "my baby" for her, she turned around and kissed me...those little adorable lips planted a big, ole' wet kiss on mine and my heart melted for the millionth time. There is just something about those little kisses that just turn me into a mushy mess. And at that moment, I thought about how lucky I am that I have two wonderful, amazing children to love me? I mean, out of all the people in the world, they were given to me, and I get to be the recipient of all those hugs and kisses and overflowing love? Little ole' me! Who would have thought it all those years ago when that doctor said slim chance, that one day I'd be so lucky to have the love of not one, but two children in my life?

I am not a scientist, I am not a brain surgeon, I am not a politician, I am not a policewoman, I am not a lawyer, I am not a sports star, I am not an actress or a singer....I am just me...Erin...and yet, I was blessed with two incredible children....and that makes me so incredibly grateful and happy!

James Taylor had it right when he sang, "how sweet it is to be loved by you".....having these two children love me is beyond sweet!!!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Letting go....

Letting go is very much easier said then done for me. Last year I experienced the very first time I had to let one of my children go, and by that I mean, sending Trevor off to preschool. It was hard to walk away and know I was entrusting a complete stranger to take care of him the way I would want. It's such a remarkable leap of faith if you ask me've had this child with you every day for 4 years and then suddenly, you hand him off to a stranger and walk away. And yet I knew in the back of my mind, that it was just preschool - it wasn't mandatory and I could take him out if I really felt I needed to. But I didn't ....I overcame my own fear and let him go, day after day. And amazingly, I watched him grow and learn last year.

This year though was a different story for me. Yes, he had already been in school last year, but this year is just different. This is the real deal - the big shebang! And once again, I found myself struggling to let go, to relinquish my control and hand him over to another stranger. But I've done it and all is well so far. He's enjoying it and his teacher says he's a joy to have in class, which makes this mama proud!

I can't help but wonder if every year will be filled with this anxiety of letting go or will I become comfortable with my children heading off to school.

Monday, September 7, 2009

So much for that....

Trevor's new psychiatrist wanted us to try taking him off his Strattera to see if it helped him sleep better at night. Strattera being a stimulant, he said, it might be going against the nighttime medication and that might be what is still keeping him up at night. So last Wednesday was the last day for the Strattera, and he started sleeping all night without waking once. Oh happy joy joy!!! Wait, a moment....not so fast.....see, without that medication for him during the day, his days got worse despite his nights being good! He's been off the wall - hyper beyond words - loud - obnoxious - fighting with Vicky more - sneaking into things, etc. Today Karl and I just looked at each other and said this isn't going to work. Great that he sleeps all night, but we shouldn't have to pay for it during the day then. He was already struggling during the day with the meltdowns and outbursts, we sure didn't need to add anything to that.

So, we'll have to let the doctor know how it went and see what other avenue we can try. It's such a fine line trying to find the balance of medications to help each issue. Seems like you just get one all set and it creates issues elsewhere. I'd love to be able to say Trevor could come off all medications, but that just isn't possible. I am not saying all kids with issues should be medicated, but we've seen what Trevor was like without any medications and that is not a place I am willing to revisit any time soon.

And I think there is this idea that somehow kids like Trevor with Asperger's can be medicated, and that is wrong. Trevor isn't medicated for the Asperger's - he's on medication for issues that go along with it - such as his ADHD/OCD tendencies and sleep issues.

I have no idea what the future holds for Trevor and us as a family, but I hope and pray that with the help of this new doctor, we can get Trevor in better control of his emotions and actions. This is a long journey and we are in it for the long haul!

The other day he had a meltdown and to be honest, I can't for the life of me remember exactly what the reason for it, but after he had finally come down from it, he came over and flopped into my arms and started bawling - he said his brain hurts - he has too many thoughts - and that he wants his brain out. It is really the first time he's given any indication as to what it's like to be him - to have Asperger's Syndrome. It hurts my heart to know that I can't fix it all and make it go away. As a mother, we tend to think that is part of our job - fixing everything - making things better - healing the owies - kissing booboo's - etc, but then something like Asperger's comes along, and you find yourself with your hands tied - it's something that a kiss or hug can't fix unfortunately, and for this mama, that is a hard pill to swallow.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Little Piggies!

I have a complete aversion to feet - I am more than grossed out about feet - I don't want feet to touch me - I'll be honest, I am not that thrilled when people wear sandals in public - I know it's weird!

But, when it comes down to little tiny baby piggies, all bets are off!!!

I was out walking with Victoria yesterday and I happen to look down and saw those adorable little piggies poking out from her strappy pink sandals, and I so wanted to scoop her up and kiss those piggies! Those chunky little toes that look like little stuffed sausages, all pretty with pink polish on them! There is just something so adorable about little piggies!

I remember when Trevor had those cute little toes ...we always called them "sausage toes" and I would pretend to eat them and he'd giggle and giggle. Of course, now that he is almost 6, his feet are no longer cute and are off limits! LOL!!

Before you know it, those little feet will take both my children away from our house and on to their own lives. It's hard to think about - not having the pitter patter of little feet under the roof - little feet running back and forth entirely too fast - little feet sneaking into things they shouldn't - little feet jumping for joy on Christmas morning....sigh....

I can only hope that one day those little feet I kissed will come back home carrying some little feet of their own and once again, I'll be able to love on some little piggies!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


Shampoo - such a simple thing and yet this morning I was reduced to tears. No, not from getting it in my eyes but for what that shampoo bottle represented.

It's a bottle of Head and Shoulders, and no, I do not have dandruff. So why then, do I have this bottle of shampoo? It was my dads shampoo - mom gave it to me shortly after he passed away since she didn't need it. And while, I don't technically need it either, I took it because it was a little piece of dad that I could have. Silly, isn't it?

Every morning I get in the shower and see that now empty shampoo bottle (yes I did use it) and I think of my daddy - it's just one more little reminder of him I have around here. This morning it made me cry because I miss him so! We are going through a hard time right now...the kids are growing up so fast too....and I just want to be able to sit down and talk to him. I just want my daddy!

I suspect that I will keep that old, empty shampoo bottle for a long time to come.....