Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Regrets....

So here I am 33 years old and quickly approaching 34 ...seriously it's on the horizon and I am not sure how I feel about that!

I always wanted to be a mom, as I've said before, it was never a question of "if" but "when". I always knew that this is what I wanted. Though I must admit, my childhood dream included a white house with white picket fence, a husband who went to work every day in a 3 piece suit and briefcase in hand, 4 kids, and of course a dog. And of course, that is definitely not my reality! LOL!!

Prior to our move, I used to work overnights and I loved my job! Don't get me wrong, I had those days where I just didn't want to get up and go out, but who doesn't have one of those days now and again? When we moved up here in March of 2008, I instantly became a stay-at-home-mom (sahm). It was a dream come true! Of course, once we got the diagnosis that Trevor had Asperger's Syndrome and we began running to appointments at least once a week, sometimes more, I realized how valuable being home really was. I don't know of any job where I could take as much time off as I would have needed the past 18+ months.

Lately though I feel useless...pondering what have I really accomplished in this life?! I find myself asking Karl about every single purchase I make, right down to a cup of coffee. And don't get me wrong, Karl doesn't require that of me, but I do it out of guilt because I feel guilty not bringing a single dime into the house. Honestly, I can't get past viewing it as his money since it's his job.

I feel like I should be doing more with my life...I feel like I should have made something of my life. Here I am still wondering, "what do I want to be when I grow up"? I was hoping to start the Doula classes, but had to put that on the back burner while finances are tight right now.

But I can't help think back to my college days...and wish I had applied myself more...wish I had done better...wish I had continued on past that first year....I regret dropping out...

I just feel like I've got nothing to show for my 33 years...what have I done? what impact have I had?

I have two fabulous children, who even when they have me on the verge of pulling out every single hair, I still love to the moon and back and I wouldn't change that for anything. But I honestly do worry that I'll be a disappointment to them. Will they be embarrassed that their mom made nothing of her life? Will they be jealous that a friends mom is a doctor or lawyer or accountant and their mom has sat home for years knitting and scrapbooking and cleaning?

Yes, I do have regrets...no I wouldn't change anything because I know it might change the fact that I have these two wonderful kids, but if I could be guaranteed that wouldn't change, I'd do a do-over in a heartbeat.

Sometimes I feel like it's too late now for me to become something...to do anything worthwhile....to make a difference....

1 comment:

  1. You know what your kids will remember? They will remember that their mom baked them homemade bread for breakfast and they refused to eat it. They will remember it with love.

    My kids have never tasted homemade bread...

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