So here I am 33 years old and quickly approaching 34 ...seriously it's on the horizon and I am not sure how I feel about that!
I always wanted to be a mom, as I've said before, it was never a question of "if" but "when". I always knew that this is what I wanted. Though I must admit, my childhood dream included a white house with white picket fence, a husband who went to work every day in a 3 piece suit and briefcase in hand, 4 kids, and of course a dog. And of course, that is definitely not my reality! LOL!!
Prior to our move, I used to work overnights and I loved my job! Don't get me wrong, I had those days where I just didn't want to get up and go out, but who doesn't have one of those days now and again? When we moved up here in March of 2008, I instantly became a stay-at-home-mom (sahm). It was a dream come true! Of course, once we got the diagnosis that Trevor had Asperger's Syndrome and we began running to appointments at least once a week, sometimes more, I realized how valuable being home really was. I don't know of any job where I could take as much time off as I would have needed the past 18+ months.
Lately though I feel useless...pondering what have I really accomplished in this life?! I find myself asking Karl about every single purchase I make, right down to a cup of coffee. And don't get me wrong, Karl doesn't require that of me, but I do it out of guilt because I feel guilty not bringing a single dime into the house. Honestly, I can't get past viewing it as his money since it's his job.
I feel like I should be doing more with my life...I feel like I should have made something of my life. Here I am still wondering, "what do I want to be when I grow up"? I was hoping to start the Doula classes, but had to put that on the back burner while finances are tight right now.
But I can't help think back to my college days...and wish I had applied myself more...wish I had done better...wish I had continued on past that first year....I regret dropping out...
I just feel like I've got nothing to show for my 33 years...what have I done? what impact have I had?
I have two fabulous children, who even when they have me on the verge of pulling out every single hair, I still love to the moon and back and I wouldn't change that for anything. But I honestly do worry that I'll be a disappointment to them. Will they be embarrassed that their mom made nothing of her life? Will they be jealous that a friends mom is a doctor or lawyer or accountant and their mom has sat home for years knitting and scrapbooking and cleaning?
Yes, I do have regrets...no I wouldn't change anything because I know it might change the fact that I have these two wonderful kids, but if I could be guaranteed that wouldn't change, I'd do a do-over in a heartbeat.
Sometimes I feel like it's too late now for me to become something...to do anything worthwhile....to make a difference....