Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Where did the magic go?

Christmas season is full upon us - the stores barely got Halloween over before they were filling their shelves with all things Christmas. Poor Thanksgiving stuck between Halloween and Christmas - it's like the "red headed step child" - it gets no attention - nary a decoration in site. Why is this? Is it because it's a day to "give thanks"? Surely there must be a market for Thanksgiving decor, no? Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday - for one it falls in the most wonderful time of year - fall. While the traditional Christmas colors of red and green are pretty, they do not hold a candle to the warm burnt oranges, the spicy yellows, the apple reds, the decadent browns - fall just screams warmth to me. There is something so comforting about fall and Thanksgiving.

But this isn't about Thanksgiving...this is about Christmas. Somewhere along the way, the older I get, I have found that Christmas is loosing it's magic for me. Where did it go? Is it because we are bombarded with Christmas several months before it's on our doorstep? Is it because there is so much pressure in general to make Christmas fantastic?

I tried today to listen to Christmas music and I'll be honest, it doesn't have the same hold over me that it once had. There was a time when I'd listen to Christmas music from sun up till sun down, but it seems that time has come and gone. There was a time when I couldn't wait to dig out the decorations and turn the house into a winter wonderland, but that has also disappeared.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I want to do away with Christmas by any means, but it just has lost that splendor....lost that magic that it used to bring me.

I thought with having children that Christmas would be even more magical for me then it ever was, but that isn't the case.

With Trevor's issues, he really doesn't get all that excited about Christmas....he'll open gifts with almost a blank expression - showing next to no emotion. It's hard to get excited for a child when they don't have an excitement themselves. I am left wondering if he really likes the things he received, because unlike most children, you can't read his face for those telltale signs.

And of course, Victoria is still young and pretty much clueless about Christmas. She doesn't understand about Christmas and Santa yet.

I was asked today when I was putting up my tree (yes, we are an artificial family) and I replied, "December 24th" it horrible of me that I have no desire these days to decorate? I felt this way last year and the year before and the year before and well, you get the idea. I am sure we'll decorate sooner, but I dread it - Vicky is in that stage where she is testing the boundaries and to be quite honest, I have no desire to spend my day constantly redirecting her away from the tree. I have no desire to sit on guard near the tree for several weeks making sure that nothing is touched by little exploring fingers.

I used to do a lot of baking at the holidays and since we've moved, I do not have anyone to bake for anymore and I miss that. We definitely don't need to have a house full of goodies, no matter how good, with two diabetics under the roof.

I remember Christmas growing up....being so excited....doing all sorts of crafts in school - wreaths made from trash bags and hangers - paintings - ornaments - it was so much fun. I so looked forward to it each and every year. And of course the accompanying weeks vacation...what child didn't love that? I remember my mother baking up a storm - trying to sneak a taste of a cookie here and there - the smells of holiday goodies wafting through the air - Christmas 8 tracks or lp's playing in the background - hot chocolate with lots of marshmallow fluff topping the mug - curling up to watch Christmas special after Christmas special - oh how I love "Miracle on 34th Street"....putting up the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving....Christmas day everyone gathering - my siblings who were already out of the house coming home to visit ...sitting around while dad passed out gifts to each and everyone of us ...he was our very own "Santa"....and then the big huge meal was truly magical....

Where did that magic go? Is it unrealistic to expect that as a grown up?

Of course this holiday season will be the first without dad and that hurts like hell....I'd like to just go to sleep and skip over it to be honest...I want my daddy here....I want the magic that once was....

Will that magic ever reappear?

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