Thursday, January 28, 2010

What a day!!!

Yesterday was an incredibly long day in so many ways. Trevor had another meltdown when he got in from school and that led to him punching me in the jaw twice, as well as kicking me, biting me, etc...let's not forget the screaming and yelling everything from "I hate you - you're the worst mother" to numerous expletives - to say it was colorful is to put it mild.

After he had calmed down he went into the kitchen to get a drink while I tidied up - we were supposed to be having a meeting with some support folks and I didn't want the house a wreck - though anyone who has an inkling of understanding of what goes on here on a daily basis should understand when my house isn't sparkling. I hear Trevor bouncing around in the kitchen and immediately I knew he was doing the "I gotta pee"dance - so I called to him and asked him - he swore three times that he didn't have to pee. Fine! Next thing I know he's at the kitchen gate with nothing on from the waist down and said he peed his pants. To say I was irked would be correct...especially after having just asked him 3 times if he had to pee. He starts to head for the basement steps and I ask him what he's going down there for, and he screams at me that he needs clean clothes... I am trying to explain all the clean clothes are upstairs, that the only thing down there are the dirty ones to be washed....but he doesn't listen and he races down the basement steps...he returns a moment later ....and what do I see....he is naked but there is poop on his does one get poop on their thigh? Grrr!!! So I question him, only to have him tell me he pooped in the cat liter box and on the basement floor. Now to say I was beyond livid would be putting it mildly.

Let me explain myself here - yes, the very act of defecating in the cat liter box and basement floor was enough to make me angry, but when you combine that with his prior outburst and the fact he had punched me, etc, I was already pretty damn fed up, the poop incident just pushed me over the edge. I know kids have accidents...I know that kids can be "curious" and try to do this stuff, but at just about 6 years old, I do not expect this... a two or three year old? sure! a 6 yr old? no way in hell!

Later on in the afternoon he had another meltdown when he was told he couldn't leave the house, which resulted in him punching me and kicking me once again...I realize to those outside the situation, it may seem like not a big deal, but trust me it is. We are talking a child who is almost 6, 4ft tall and 75lbs - he is *extremely* strong and trying to physically restrain him is very hard. When he starts hitting, it hurts...this isn't like a 2 yr old hitting you - this is like being hit by a brick.

After this outburst, he took off once again - running out of the house without a hat, mittens or jacket. I had no idea where he was at fist - when I finally saw him and called him, he refused to come in. Now let me explain for those who don't know or realize it, but I also have the 2 yr old, who I can't leave alone while I run around the neighborhood trying to catch Trevor.

So it was at this point, that Karl and I decided we were going to make the call to the Children's Crisis Unit to see about hospitalizing him. He is a danger to himself and us as a family. He can not grasp the concept of safety - he laughs - says he wants a car to hit him - he wants to die - he wants a stranger to take him, etc.

I made the call. To say it was hard is the understatement of the year....I did all I could to hold back the tears for as long as I could and then the sobbing started. Parenting is such a hard job, but parenting a special needs child, is extremely difficult. I can almost guarantee that most parents of the "typical" child will never have to consider admitting their child to a mental health hospital at the age of 5. My heart was broken into a million little pieces. The woman I spoke with took the information and said she'd call back after discussing it with a clinician and some others - frankly at this point I can't remember all who she said she would talk with. At that very moment, it seemed my whole world was crumbling around me. After what seemed like an eternity, she called back and said that I had two options. 1. take him in for an emergency eval right then but their concern with hospitalizing him was they had another child who is 11 and is aggressive to younger children, though they are all trained and kids are always watched or 2. I could wait till this morning and take him in for an emergency crisis evaluation. Knowing it was getting late and trying to get someone to watch Vicky, esp at dinnertime can be difficult - family can be flaky to put it nicely - I choose to wait till this morning.

I went to bed last night sobbing my eyes out...different scenarios playing in my us having to admit him and him freaking out when we went to leave him....wondering would he hate us forever for making that choice? would he ever be able to comprehend some day that we did what we thought was best? Despite all we go through, all the incredible ups and downs, I love Trevor with all my heart and then some. I may not always like him, but I love him so much. The idea of leaving him someplace with strangers was gut wrenching.

This morning we went to the meeting and Trevor was charming and smart and wonderful, as he always is. Just once I'd like him to freak out in front of others like he does here at home. Anyways, she recommended that we start with 3 or 4 other services available - one will be therapy to teach him how to cope with his anger and emotions, one is to work with him and the family, another is a group for parents to learn coping mechanisms for kids that have this kind of behavior and one other, but honestly, right now it alludes me.

I was shocked at how many other services are available and why no one up to this point had ever suggested them. Why does it take a full blown crisis for people to finally get more help?

I walked out of there feeling a tad bit better that at least we were getting the ball rolling on some more services. However, that optimism quickly left as things once again spiraled downward this afternoon after we got home.

Trevor once again went into the kitchen today and proceeded to pee and poop on the kitchen floor. Why he is suddenly doing this is beyond me, but I am not impressed. I made him clean up his own mess, just as I did yesterday. He took off out of the house once again - he just doesn't get it when he's told he can not leave the house. He has a schoolmate a couple doors down and he thinks he can go over and see this boy and play with him whenever he wants. He doesn't get the idea that he's not going to be wanted over there all.the.time!!! He doesn't get the idea that he needs to be invited before he can go over. He doesn't get the idea that this boy may not want to play with him all the time and that he has other friends. I so wish I could take this damned Aspergers Syndrome away, so that he could understand these social issues. As it was this boys grandmother came to our house to find out if Trevor got in ok, and when I said no he wasn't home, she too was worried. We both headed out to the back and he wasn't out there either. Knowing I have the little one in the house, she offered to go look for him - she found him at the end of our unit hiding from me. I won't lie, it was bit embarrassing to have this child's grandmother go to find my child and bring him home to me.

He tried to leave several more times this afternoon, and when stopped, he kicked, punched, bit, yelled, screamed, slapped, name it, he did it. My arms have numerous bites and my legs are hurting from the kicks he gave with his winter boots on.

At this point, we are thinking that perhaps we should have went through with the hospitalizing him because this increasing violence on his part and sheer lack of safety comprehension isn't getting better. We as a family can not live like this - it's not healthy for Trevor, but it's not healthy for the rest of us either. Poor lil Vicky at 2 yrs old is repeating everything he says. I can't begin to tell you how heartbreaking it is to hear your 2 yr old say she hates you, simply because she heard him say it. Trevor may be the one with Aspergers, but it affects each family member. 

For a while now I've been trying to get family and friends to understand about Aspergers Syndrome and Trevor, banging my head into a wall every time another ignorant comment is made and so the other day I posted about it on an Aspie forum I go to and someone gave me this reply,

"First of all, quit trying to "prove" yourself to friends and family! They aren't in your shoes and it's not your job to explain anything to them. Your job is doing exactly what you are doing...finding the help your son needs"

I admit, I was taken back at first, thinking she must have misunderstood me - I am not trying to prove anything. But the more we talked, the more I realized what she meant and it made huge sense to me. If they can't or won't be supportive, why waste my time trying to get them to see the so-called "light"?

She went on further to say,

"don't spend all your time trying to justify your parenting and how you deal with your son."

Brilliance I say, pure brilliance!!! 

So often I feel like I am left defending and justifying every parenting move, every little thing we do or Trevor does, explaining till I am blue in the face, and for what? My job is to do what I am doing - getting him the help he needs!!!

At this point, I can't honestly say we are any further ahead then we were 24 hours ago. And right now the idea of hospitalizing him still looms heavy in the air. Only time will tell.....


Facebook & Blogging

I have decided to stop importing my blog to Facebook for the time being. I think I want to keep the two more separate and not post so much about the kids on Facebook, so if you are a FB reader and want to keep up with my blog, you'll have to start coming here from now on!


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Great Hair Fiasco of 2010

January 26th, 2010 - the date of the great hair fiasco of 2010....hmmm...not that far into the year, I suppose another great fiasco could come along that could outdo this one, but let's just pretend for sake of my blogging today, that this is the greatest one of the year!

Vicky is sick - you know the normal cold type of stuff - runny/stuffy nose/sneezing/achy. Last night I gave her a warm bath after dinner, and then put some Vicks Vapor Rub (yes, Vicks on on her feet and then socks per the advice so many swear by...then I put some on her chest and put a t-shirt on her before putting her jammies on, in order to insure that she wouldn't get at it and take the chance of her rubbing it in her eyes or mouth. I left said bottle of Vicks Vapor Rub on the nightstand and never thought about it again.

This morning I was cleaning Trev's room while he's out at school and left Karl to supervise Vicky. Well, daddy assumed (and we all know what happens when you assume, lol) that Vicky was in her room playing...but when I opened Trev's door I discovered Vicky sitting in the hall with globs of Vicks Vapor Rub on her hands rubbing it into her hair, much like one does with shampoo.

Of course, like any good mother, I "yelled" at Karl for not watching her closely! LOL! Put her in the tub and bathed her and thought all was good. I got her dressed and proceeded to start drying her hair only to discover that her hair was still very much a grease slick. So undress her and back into the bath once again to wash her hair. Scrub it up real good....rinse it out....and off we go to get dressed again. I start drying her hair and surprise, surprise, but it's still somewhat greasy and reeks of Vicks Vapor Rub. I said the hell with it for today - we aren't going anywhere!

So here she is right now walking around looking like her hair is an oil the immortal words of Trevor, "good times...good times"......sigh..........

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Big Decisions

We've come to a point in our journey with Trevor, that we are faced with a rather large decision. The decision we have to make is are we going to have him admitted to the hospital in hopes of getting his violent outbursts under control. For a while it's been a question of "if", but it would seem as though we've progressed into the "when" stage, no longer a matter of "if" but "when".

Trevor has becoming increasingly violent/aggressive/defiant. Frankly, he scares me!

Trevor gets extremely upset when he thinks someone has "crossed him" or "done him wrong"...when he can't have his way....when he is frustrated....when things aren't going according to plan, be it, his plan.

There was a time when his meltdowns/outbursts were a few times a week, but as of late, they have escalated to daily, if not a couple times a day.

Trevor will kick, punch, slap, bite, spit, throw things, yell, scream, curse, etc.

One moment, Trevor will be fine - laughing and having a wonderful time. He's smart, he's charming, he's a joy to all who are around.

But...and this is a huge BUT....things can change in the flick of a switch and everything goes downhill rather fast....plummets really....

It's become increasingly hard to live with these highs and extreme lows...we can't spend our life tiptoeing around in hopes of not setting him off once again.

In the last couple weeks, Trevor has punched me in the face/jaw numerous times, bit me, slapped me, spit on me, kicked me in the stomach/chest/legs. Our greatest concern as far as this goes, is that he does not begin to get violent with Victoria.

Another major issue with us, is his running off. Despite chain locks and sensors on the doors, he still takes off. Unfortunately I can't sit in front of the door 24/7 - I have other things to attend to. Yesterday morning while I was getting dressed and Karl was showering, Trevor took off. I went to the window and saw he was at my car with the car keys - panic set in - he's talked many a time about wanting to drive. I banged on the window to get his attention as I was upstairs and not dressed yet, and he came in and threw the keys on the couch and took back off out of the house. I quickly got dressed and alerted Karl, who also got out of the shower and got dressed. We came downstairs and went to the front door and back door and no Trevor in sight. I screamed his name at the top of my lungs over and over again. Karl went to the neighbors knocking on doors to see if he was at someones house. Karl came back home and picked up the phone and was about to dial 911, when Trevor walked in. He doesn't comprehend that this is a HUGE safety issue. He had gone down the street, around the corner and up to the community center. God knows how many different cars he could have been hit by, or who could have grabbed him on his walk to and from there. When confronted, he just laughed, said he hopes someone kills him, etc. He just doesn't get it.

It was at this point that Karl and I realized that it's just a matter of time if his behavior doesn't change - his safety is at stake here.

When we physically wouldn't let him back out, he became violent again with us.

Yesterday afternoon he took off again - you can not take your eyes off of him for one second and as I said, that is just literally impossible, especially with another young child in the house who has needs that need to be met as well.

I spent most of yesterday crying my eyes out - I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would even have to think about removing my child, esp my not even 6 yr old from the house. If you had told me 5.5 yrs ago that this would be my life, I would have laughed in your face as I held my perfect son in my arms. I definitely had a case of the "not me" or "not us" mentality.

But this is my life....this is our life....and it's paining me in ways which there isn't a soul around can understand unless you have experienced the same exact thing. You just can't begin to understand the emotions one goes through when trying to decide when to make the call tot he Crisis Center for Children to have your child removed from the home. You can't imagine what it's like not knowing if you do make said call, how long will your child be gone? A couple days? A couple weeks? You can't begin to imagine the amount of guilt that goes along with making this decision. Nor can you imagine the amount of self loathing one has when trying to make this decision. A decision that no matter the outcome, will forever change your family, if not permanently, at the very least temporarily.

The road on this journey has been a long one and I am afraid that the road ahead will even longer and paved with lots of bumps. I just hope that we can find support while we make the journey.

I want to do what is best for Trevor and our family and this is a decision that weighs heavily on our hearts and minds right now.

Please excuse me if I am short tempered or don't seem very positive right now, I am trying very hard to keep a smile on my face, but it isn't easy. Things aren't always as they seem! Right now I need all the support and friendship I can get!!!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Another fabulous recipe!!!

I got this recipe from the Weight Watchers magazine for Jen/Feb 2010. Now, I tweaked it to my families tastes, so I will post the original recipe and then what I did to it! Enjoy! If you try it, let me know what you think!!! I definitely give it two thumbs up!!!

Bean, Vegetable and Feta Bake 
(Made the WW way it is 5 points per serving)

8 sun dried tomato halves (not packed in oil)
1 large onion, chopped
1 large red bell pepper, chopped
2 garlic cloves
1 large zucchini, diced
1/4 teaspoon each  salt and red pepper flakes
1 bag of fresh baby spinach
1 can of cannellini beans (white kidney beans) rinsed and drained
1 cup crumbled low-fat feta cheese
2 slices toasted bread, cubed

How I altered the recipe:

4 cocktail tomatoes, halved
1 large onion, chopped
1 large red bell pepper, chopped
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 large zucchini, diced
1/4 teaspoon salt and black pepper
1 bag of fresh baby spinach
1 can cannellini beans (white kidney beans) drained and rinsed
1 cup crumbled feta cheese
2 slices 100% whole wheat bread, toasted and cubed
1/2 chicken breast, skinless and boneless
A dash of garlic powder also


Preheat oven to 375 - spray shallow baking dish (2qt) with nonstick spray.

If using sun dried tomatoes, put tomatoes and enough hot water to cover in bowl. Let stand until tomatoes are softened. 10 minutes. Drain and chop.

If using cocktail tomatoes, just chop and set aside.

If using chicken, cube chicken into small chunks, set aside.

In nonstick pan (I actually used my cast iron frying pan) put 2 tbsp of olive oil and set over medium heat, or you can use nonstick spray. Add onion, bell pepper, garlic, zucchini, salt and pepper, cook, stirring for about 5 minutes - if you are using chicken, add your cubed chicken now and continue cooking till vegetables are crisp tender and chicken is no longer pink.

Add spinach in batches and cook, stirring until each batch is wilted, about 3 minutes in all.

Add beans, 1/2 cup feta and tomatoes. Spoon into baking dish. Top with cubed bread and remaining feta. Bake until hot, about 25 minutes.

This pic I took while the veggies and chicken were cooking - prior to baking it off - I should have taken a picture when it was all done but we dove right in and forgot to do that!

Oh and both kids ate it, so that is a plus! This is definitely a keeper recipe!!!

Mommy Mistakes!

This morning Trev was having a meltdown - being aggressive - generally naughty and defiant. I had had enough and let it get the best of me. I said some and did things that I absolutely regret. I got so caught up in the moment that all I could think at the time was saying something to hurt him as much as he was hurting me right then and there...and I did....immediately I walked away in disgust....not with him ...with myself. Disgusted that I had the audacity to vocalize what I had been thinking - it was bad enough to think it, but to say it out loud to my almost 6 yr old? It was not one of my better mommy moments to say the least. When it was all done and over, I realized I had gotten awfully close to being like my mom in that moment....something I swore I never, ever wanted to be.

I sat down and my heart immediately hurt - hurt for Trevor and hurt for myself. Not only did I let Trevor down with my behaviors and words, I let Victoria down as she had to witness me and I also let myself down. I am disappointed in me. I am almost 34 years old - he is almost 6 - I rightfully should be the one able to keep my cool and wits about me and in the end I looked and sounded like a crazy woman.

After a while Trevor came over to me and brought up what I had said....I burst into tears...he put his arms around me and gave me a hug and we cried together...I apologized for my words and actions and assured him that I love him more than words and asked him for forgiveness. I made a huge mommy mistake. He said he forgives me, but, can I forgive myself?

I hope that as he went off to school today, he has a good day and is able to not dwell on the events of the morning.

I really hate that I acted like my mother this morning ....the only difference is she never apologized or acknowledged when she had overstepped the parenting bounds....I hope that the very fact I realize I was wrong and was big enough to be able to apologize to my child makes me different then her.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

A new day....

Last night was the first night for Trev's new nighttime medication - I gave it to him without much hope for seeing any results so soon. I woke up this morning ...well actually Vicky woke me up this morning and Trev was still asleep. He slept 13 hours last night - didn't get up once!!! It was wonderful!!!

What made it even more special was that Vicky slept in her own bed for 11 hours before waking and coming into our room! That I do believe is the longest she has slept in her own room, in her own bed!

This morning we started the other change in his daytime medication. He still had some issues this morning but again, I didn't expect to see any sort of significant changes that soon anyways. The other change is that the Dr. now has us giving him part of his medication in the afternoon when he gets in from school, as that tends to be his worst time of the day. So he got in today, and had his medication, and was in a pretty good mood overall. There was no fighting with me or Victoria....there was no yelling....there was no cursing....there was no outbursts...and the crazy thing is I didn't even notice till bedtime that the afternoon has been so good. It's funny, you get so caught up in the day to day craziness, that when a good day comes along, you don't even realize it right away. Or at least I didn't!

At 4:30pm tonight, I actually ventured out to Walmart with both kids, something I would normally never do esp. not alone. Taking two tired children into Walmart alone is just not something I do - it's the stuff nightmares are made of. But I did it tonight because I needed food for supper. We went - we had fun - we came home. It went splendidly! No one yelled, cried, screamed, whined, begged for anything, etc. They behaved...they listened....they were nice to each other.

We came home and had supper and Trevor took his nighttime medications and before I knew it, he was giving me a kiss and going up to bed he said. By the time I got upstairs with Vicky to get her ready for bed, he was already asleep @ 6:20pm. He put  himself to bed without a whine, a fuss, a meltdown...nothing!!!

I don't know if I am superstitious enough to believe in jinxing something, but I don't want to jinx this.....but really this was wonderful today! I hope and pray this is the start of good things!!!

You know Karl and I don't want him perfect...we want him to still be a kid....we just want the old Trevor back....and today I had a glimpse of that Trevor and it was delightful indeed!!!

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Dumps...

I've planned all day to sit down and blog about the doctors appointment today for Trevor - his first appointment with the new child psychiatrist. But now that I am sitting down I don't even have it in me to blog about it. Tonight I am really feeling the mental and physical exhaustion!

You know, Trevor goes to these appointments and is a perfect angel! He's charming, smart, cunning, attentive, listens, etc....he's everything he's not when he's at home. I am beginning to feel like on one believes us that there is a problem. Don't get me wrong, the doctor didn't say she didn't believe us, but she did say she's not seeing those things in Trevor. Of course not, he's at his personal best. It's so damn frustrating!

The doctor is referring us for family therapy since no one outside really gets to see Trevor at his worst. I've been struggling so much lately with feeling like a failure and now to hear that we need therapy as a family...well it just kinda of cements the idea in my head that I am failing. 

I videotaped him this morning and brought it with me to the doctor's office, so she could see some of what I was talking about. Later I showed my mother, because she is insistent that I spank more, as if this is somehow nothing more than a disciple problem. And she said she has no idea what is Aspergers and what is just an out of control kid....and that he's just acting up for the camera. Damnit, he's not acting up for the freaking camera - this is how he always is at home. Why won't people believe me? Why can't people get it through their head? I just want to scream my lungs out!!!

I feel like I am trapped in some sort of nightmare where everyone is in on it - my own child is making me nuts. You know only acts like this at home so that I slowly go crazy when no one believes me.

He had another outburst this afternoon, took off and came back and when I wouldn't let him leave again, he got violent - kicking, punching me in the face, biting me, telling me he was going to kill me and that he hates me and that he doesn't want to be my son anymore. It's like a knife stab to the heart.

I am just so down in the dumps right now ....I have been trying to be so positive this year - I really wanted to be one of those people who can find the happiness in everything, who can walk around with a smile all the time, but I am just not that person apparently. Short of having a personality transplant, I can't do it. Sometimes life just gets me down and I can't keep trying to pretend I am happy anymore.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

New Recipe...

Found a recipe in the weekend newspaper and decided to give it a try tonight - course I had to tweak it a bit, but thought I would share!

1 box of whole wheat penne pasta
2 small cans of black olives (slices or chopped)
2 small cans of mushrooms
1 16oz bag of frozen spinach
4 small cocktail tomatoes, diced
1/2lb ground turkey
1/4 of small onion, chopped
3 teaspoons of chopped garlic
S&P to taste
Olive oil

Boil water for pasta - while that is cooking, cook up the ground turkey and set aside. Put frozen spinach in colander and run cold water over it till it is thawed - then squeeze excess water out - pat with paper towels. 

In large saucepan add 2-3 teaspoons olive oil - once that is hot, add chopped onion and garlic and saute for several minutes, then add black olives and mushrooms and spinach and continue to saute for 7-8 minutes.

Drain pasta. Add the cooked turkey and diced tomatoes to the spinach mixture and continue to cook another 1-2 minutes, add salt and pepper and a dash more of olive oil. Combine pasta and spinach mixture. Serves 6

I wasn't sure how it would go over with the family - Trevor picked around the spinach and ate the rest. Vicky ate a few bites, but that is pretty typical for her no matter what it is, Karl really enjoyed it and I thought it was great. All in all, it was pretty simple and rather healthy with no heavy sauces or creams on it.

Adventures in Stress....

This is a little story that I like to call, "Adventures in Stress"......

We've been having a really rough time lately with Trevor and last night was no exception. He got extremely angry when sent to his room and proceeded to punch a hole in his bedroom door. I've been under so much stress with all that has been going on lately, that I really don't need anything you can imagine how discovering the hole made me feel.

A little while later last night I started having chest pains and pressure/heaviness in my chest. I tried to lay down but it wouldn't go away...I tried to use the computer but I couldn't concentrate....after about 2 hours of this Karl insisted I either call my sister to see if she'd drive me to the ER or he was going to call 911. I didn't want him doing that because I was afraid all the commotion would wake the kids and I ddin't want them to see their mother being taken away in an I reluctantly called Gail and asked her to take me. Honestly I thought it was nothing and was just going to waste my time.

We got to the ER and apparently when you say you have chest pains/pressure, you get to bypass all the boring paperwork and so forth, and you are immediately ushered into a room, told to strip down and have about 5 people all attending to you at once. I had one nurse asking questions...another hooking me up to the EKG machine, another hooking me to a machine to monitor my bp/hr...and another taking my temperature. That's the most attention I've had on me personally in a long time...probably since I was in labor with Victoria just over 2 yrs ago.

I was given Protonics and baby Aspirin and then someone came and took blood....the Dr. came in and we talked and she listened to my chest and back and said she could barely hear my breathing and wanted to know if I had been sick or had asthma...after I assured her I had not been sick and never had asthma, she sent me off for a chest x-ray. The EKG and chest x ray came back fine, which was a huge relief for me. She had me do a breathing treatment which did help as far as her being able to hear my breathing better.

After several hours of being there, it was determined that this was from stress/anxiety - which as I said I've been under a lot lately. She gave me Ativan to calm me down and a RX to get some more till I can get in to see my doctor.

I am just grateful that I am home and didn't require an overnight stay - all /I could think about is what the house would be like if I was gone overnight and not there to keep things under control.

The doctor told me to rest and obviously try to reduce the stress....

It's now been almost 24 hours since the pains started and honestly I still have them...apparently reducing the stress is going to take some time.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Meat & Potatoes

I was torn between titling this "Meat & Potatoes" or "Dry Potatoes"....but went with the first one that had come to mind! By now I am sure you are wondering what the heck this is all about and where I am going with, this isn't about recipes or anything like that...this is a little trip down memory lane for me....

I made a roast chicken dinner tonight and after the potatoes had boiled, I drained them, and that is when I noticed that they were very dry looking - you know how they get around the edges and all crumbly - and immediately I thought of one dad.

My dad was a meat and potatoes kind of guy - don't give him no fancy veggie dishes - don't offer him potatoes all dressed up with garlic and butter - don't give him a big ole' rib-eye steak either....he just wanted his London broil steak, his dry potatoes and a veggies - peas perhaps...maybe corn.....

Dad wasn't one for Chinese food....I can hear him joke about it ....he wasn't one for things like lasagna either....I still can remember when he finally tried taco's....I nearly had a heart attack! LOL!!

But really at the end of the day, when it all came down to it, dad was most happy with his meat and (dry) potatoes.

I can remember mom making a big pot of potatoes and taking some out to set aside for dad before mashing them and adding garlic, butter, cream cheese and milk for the rest of would act like it was so much work to set those few pieces of potato aside for him, but I know she'd give anything to have him here now telling her he wants dry potatoes!

Dad would always sit at the end of the table and he'd eat his dinner and he'd be done while the rest of us were still eating and there he was, the smallest in the family and he'd be pushing seconds and thirds on the rest of didn't need it and it was obvious looking at us that not one of us needed a second helping of anything, but it's just what dad did, lol. We used to tease him that he was the one who needed extra helpings, not us! LOL!

Oh how I miss those suppers with dad...sitting around the table listening to him tell funny stories and crack jokes...every once in a while giving mom a hard time about something....he'd wink at me and tease her and we'd all laugh....he'd tell the kids to eat up.....offering to give them seconds....yes, he continued on his tradition of food pushing with the grandkids too! LOL!!

I can see him coming around the corner from the living room into the kitchen...stopping to pat Victoria's head as she sat in the booster seat...he'd make some funny noises to get her to laugh...and then he'd make his way, oxygen tank in hand, to his place at the table.

Towards the end he had a harder time ....getting around left him extremely winded....I'll never forget the time he tried twice to get up from the chair at the table and he couldn't and I jumped up to help him - never imagining that the roles would be reversed and I'd be the one coming to dads rescue and helping his frail body stand.

Isn't it amazing at how something like some potatoes can bring back a whole flood of memories?

Dad if you are watching down on us, I want you to know that I love you and miss you to the moon and will always be my biggest hero!!! xoxo

Sunday, January 3, 2010

A New Year....

I never did give 2010 a proper welcome here on my to you my friend "2010" I say, "welcome"!!!

There is something rather exhilarating about the start of the new year. I suppose because it's so fresh and there is so much hope for good things to come.

I am hoping that 2010 brings about a lot of change for me on a personal level but also for my family as well. I hate to say I have "resolutions" because giving them that fancy name tends to make them never happen. There is something about making resolutions that puts so much weight onto the things you want to do or change that somehow they become insurmountable, least in my eyes. So instead of fancying it up, I am going to keep it simple this year.

What are some of the changes I'd like to see happen this year?

1. I'd like to work on being more positive. Instead of always focusing on the negative, I'd like to try to see the good in things more often. This is a huge thing for me, because it's just not who I am. But it's one of the things I'd like to work on more.

2. I'd like to finally start my Doula/Breastfeeding Educator classes. I had to put it off this past fall due to finances and moving, but am hoping in the next month or so that I can sign up and get started on that. I am really looking forward to doing this!

3. I'd like to become more healthy, and while yes, that does include loosing weight, I don't want to just focus on the loosing weight as much as getting healthy overall. I don't want the diabetes to get any worse, I want to nip these little health issues in the bud and start being a better role model for the kids in terms of healthy eating and living.

4. I'd like to exercise more.

5. I'd like to start a support group locally for parents of children with Aspergers Syndrome and other ASD's. This area is really lacking in that area and I think this is a definite need for parents like myself.

6. I'd  like us as a family to take a vacation this spring or summer - a real family vacation - someplace kid friendly and relatively purse friendly too!

7. I'd like to see us as a family do more together - actual activities instead of just sitting around watching a movie together.

8. I'd like to do more research on starting my own Scrap for Hire business and if all goes well, hopefully get that off the ground this year.

9. I'd like to work on saving money - cutting back where possible.

10. I'd like to read more and scrapbook more.

11. I'd like to spend more time on me and take better care of me - getting a break when I need it instead of ignoring my own needs.

12. I'd like to sit down and develop a game plan so we can look at moving out of this area and back downstate somewhere in the near future.

13. I'd like to learn more about my camera, so I can feel comfortable taking it out of auto more than I do now.

14. I'd like to learn to be more patient - esp. with the kids. Addmittedly I have a short fuse and unfortunately the kids see that way more than I'd like. I'd like to learn how to better manage my temper and keep it in check and be able to stay patient when the kids are misbehaving, etc.

15. I want to contine working on getting Trevor all the help he needs.

16. I want to continue to journal our journey with Trevor, so that maybe some day we can help someone else who is new to this.

17. I want to continue to blog on a regular basis - strangely enough I have no idea how mnay people actually read this, but honestly just getting it down feels so good - it's such a release.

18. I want to continue to keep up with my other blog and project 365 this year.

19. I want to do better at housework - I used to be so anal about it and lately I've let it go by the wayside - I want to get back to keeping house like I once did as I felt better when everything was clean and in it's place.

20. I want to find one new thing to learn or do - something out of my comfort zone - something that will help me grow as a person on some level.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Adventures in Sleep....

As mentioned in the past Victoria still doesn't sleep through the night. Part of that we believe is the fact that she's got issues with her tonsils and needs them removed, and part of it is the fact that I think she's just so used to sleeping with us.

Last night our neighbor to the left was not home, so when Victoria woke up, and we were in the middle (ok tail end) of the movie, "Marley & Me", so I thought I'd let her fuss for a bit....well a bit turned into more than 30 minutes of screaming.....I was just dying for the movie to end so I could go put an end to the crying....seemed like it was taking forever.

By the time I got upstairs, she was covered in snot, her eyes were dripping with tears and she had scratched her face somehow and had blood on her jammies. I brought her into bed with us, she snuggled into my arms and went right back to sleep. Karl and I laid there talking and while we'd both like our bed back, at the same time, we enjoy having her there, because she's growing up so fast. But that is not is the truth for me....I am scared to death that I'll "loose" her much like I have Trevor....I want to savor all of this now while I can, because I have no idea what the future will hold for Victoria. I certainly didn't expect loose Trevor to Asperger's Syndrome....I miss that Trevor and wish that I could go back in time and spend more time with him. I don't want that to happen with for now we'll deal with her waking up and coming to bed with us. Life is too short and I have no idea what the future holds for any of us, so I am going to enjoy my baby girl while I can!