Thursday, January 21, 2010

Big Decisions

We've come to a point in our journey with Trevor, that we are faced with a rather large decision. The decision we have to make is are we going to have him admitted to the hospital in hopes of getting his violent outbursts under control. For a while it's been a question of "if", but it would seem as though we've progressed into the "when" stage, no longer a matter of "if" but "when".

Trevor has becoming increasingly violent/aggressive/defiant. Frankly, he scares me!

Trevor gets extremely upset when he thinks someone has "crossed him" or "done him wrong"...when he can't have his way....when he is frustrated....when things aren't going according to plan, be it, his plan.

There was a time when his meltdowns/outbursts were a few times a week, but as of late, they have escalated to daily, if not a couple times a day.

Trevor will kick, punch, slap, bite, spit, throw things, yell, scream, curse, etc.

One moment, Trevor will be fine - laughing and having a wonderful time. He's smart, he's charming, he's a joy to all who are around.

But...and this is a huge BUT....things can change in the flick of a switch and everything goes downhill rather fast....plummets really....

It's become increasingly hard to live with these highs and extreme lows...we can't spend our life tiptoeing around in hopes of not setting him off once again.

In the last couple weeks, Trevor has punched me in the face/jaw numerous times, bit me, slapped me, spit on me, kicked me in the stomach/chest/legs. Our greatest concern as far as this goes, is that he does not begin to get violent with Victoria.

Another major issue with us, is his running off. Despite chain locks and sensors on the doors, he still takes off. Unfortunately I can't sit in front of the door 24/7 - I have other things to attend to. Yesterday morning while I was getting dressed and Karl was showering, Trevor took off. I went to the window and saw he was at my car with the car keys - panic set in - he's talked many a time about wanting to drive. I banged on the window to get his attention as I was upstairs and not dressed yet, and he came in and threw the keys on the couch and took back off out of the house. I quickly got dressed and alerted Karl, who also got out of the shower and got dressed. We came downstairs and went to the front door and back door and no Trevor in sight. I screamed his name at the top of my lungs over and over again. Karl went to the neighbors knocking on doors to see if he was at someones house. Karl came back home and picked up the phone and was about to dial 911, when Trevor walked in. He doesn't comprehend that this is a HUGE safety issue. He had gone down the street, around the corner and up to the community center. God knows how many different cars he could have been hit by, or who could have grabbed him on his walk to and from there. When confronted, he just laughed, said he hopes someone kills him, etc. He just doesn't get it.

It was at this point that Karl and I realized that it's just a matter of time if his behavior doesn't change - his safety is at stake here.

When we physically wouldn't let him back out, he became violent again with us.

Yesterday afternoon he took off again - you can not take your eyes off of him for one second and as I said, that is just literally impossible, especially with another young child in the house who has needs that need to be met as well.

I spent most of yesterday crying my eyes out - I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would even have to think about removing my child, esp my not even 6 yr old from the house. If you had told me 5.5 yrs ago that this would be my life, I would have laughed in your face as I held my perfect son in my arms. I definitely had a case of the "not me" or "not us" mentality.

But this is my life....this is our life....and it's paining me in ways which there isn't a soul around can understand unless you have experienced the same exact thing. You just can't begin to understand the emotions one goes through when trying to decide when to make the call tot he Crisis Center for Children to have your child removed from the home. You can't imagine what it's like not knowing if you do make said call, how long will your child be gone? A couple days? A couple weeks? You can't begin to imagine the amount of guilt that goes along with making this decision. Nor can you imagine the amount of self loathing one has when trying to make this decision. A decision that no matter the outcome, will forever change your family, if not permanently, at the very least temporarily.

The road on this journey has been a long one and I am afraid that the road ahead will even longer and paved with lots of bumps. I just hope that we can find support while we make the journey.

I want to do what is best for Trevor and our family and this is a decision that weighs heavily on our hearts and minds right now.

Please excuse me if I am short tempered or don't seem very positive right now, I am trying very hard to keep a smile on my face, but it isn't easy. Things aren't always as they seem! Right now I need all the support and friendship I can get!!!

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