Monday, January 11, 2010

The Dumps...

I've planned all day to sit down and blog about the doctors appointment today for Trevor - his first appointment with the new child psychiatrist. But now that I am sitting down I don't even have it in me to blog about it. Tonight I am really feeling the mental and physical exhaustion!

You know, Trevor goes to these appointments and is a perfect angel! He's charming, smart, cunning, attentive, listens, etc....he's everything he's not when he's at home. I am beginning to feel like on one believes us that there is a problem. Don't get me wrong, the doctor didn't say she didn't believe us, but she did say she's not seeing those things in Trevor. Of course not, he's at his personal best. It's so damn frustrating!

The doctor is referring us for family therapy since no one outside really gets to see Trevor at his worst. I've been struggling so much lately with feeling like a failure and now to hear that we need therapy as a family...well it just kinda of cements the idea in my head that I am failing. 

I videotaped him this morning and brought it with me to the doctor's office, so she could see some of what I was talking about. Later I showed my mother, because she is insistent that I spank more, as if this is somehow nothing more than a disciple problem. And she said she has no idea what is Aspergers and what is just an out of control kid....and that he's just acting up for the camera. Damnit, he's not acting up for the freaking camera - this is how he always is at home. Why won't people believe me? Why can't people get it through their head? I just want to scream my lungs out!!!

I feel like I am trapped in some sort of nightmare where everyone is in on it - my own child is making me nuts. You know only acts like this at home so that I slowly go crazy when no one believes me.

He had another outburst this afternoon, took off and came back and when I wouldn't let him leave again, he got violent - kicking, punching me in the face, biting me, telling me he was going to kill me and that he hates me and that he doesn't want to be my son anymore. It's like a knife stab to the heart.

I am just so down in the dumps right now ....I have been trying to be so positive this year - I really wanted to be one of those people who can find the happiness in everything, who can walk around with a smile all the time, but I am just not that person apparently. Short of having a personality transplant, I can't do it. Sometimes life just gets me down and I can't keep trying to pretend I am happy anymore.

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