This morning Trev was having a meltdown - being aggressive - generally naughty and defiant. I had had enough and let it get the best of me. I said some and did things that I absolutely regret. I got so caught up in the moment that all I could think at the time was saying something to hurt him as much as he was hurting me right then and there...and I did....immediately I walked away in disgust....not with him ...with myself. Disgusted that I had the audacity to vocalize what I had been thinking - it was bad enough to think it, but to say it out loud to my almost 6 yr old? It was not one of my better mommy moments to say the least. When it was all done and over, I realized I had gotten awfully close to being like my mom in that moment....something I swore I never, ever wanted to be.
I sat down and my heart immediately hurt - hurt for Trevor and hurt for myself. Not only did I let Trevor down with my behaviors and words, I let Victoria down as she had to witness me and I also let myself down. I am disappointed in me. I am almost 34 years old - he is almost 6 - I rightfully should be the one able to keep my cool and wits about me and in the end I looked and sounded like a crazy woman.
After a while Trevor came over to me and brought up what I had said....I burst into tears...he put his arms around me and gave me a hug and we cried together...I apologized for my words and actions and assured him that I love him more than words and asked him for forgiveness. I made a huge mommy mistake. He said he forgives me, but, can I forgive myself?
I hope that as he went off to school today, he has a good day and is able to not dwell on the events of the morning.
I really hate that I acted like my mother this morning ....the only difference is she never apologized or acknowledged when she had overstepped the parenting bounds....I hope that the very fact I realize I was wrong and was big enough to be able to apologize to my child makes me different then her.