Saturday, February 6, 2010

Dear Trevor...

Dear Trevor,

You are just days away from turning six and I thought this was a good time to sit down and write you another letter. I started this tradition on your first birthday, but along the way, dropped it...guess it hasn't been much of a tradition after all, has it? I don't expect you to read these letters and understand them for many years. There are things that mean so much to me now as an adult, and had I been told them at 12 or even 18, they still wouldn't have the meaning that they do at almost 34. So while I expect you may read them some day before you are "ready", I don't think you'll fully appreciate them till you are older and settled down in your life.

I've been told boys don't appreciate this type of stuff - that boys won't read this and get any meaning from it. I hope to prove people wrong. I hope to raise you in such a way, that we have the kind of relationship where you can and do appreciate what I, your mother, has said and done for you in all your years.

I think age six is when I feel in my own mind, that you are a big boy now. No longer will you be "tied" to baby things. Long gone are the days of diapers and midnight feedings....adorable outfits with matching socks and hats are a thing of the past...rocking you to sleep and kissing boo-boo's are no longer wanted and acceptable to a big kid like yourself.

I will never forget the day you were born...I had been so anxious to meet you and then when the time came, I was scared out of my mind. Not to mention that your dad was laying in a hospital bed several floors above me and I ddin't know if he'd make it or not. It was such a scary time for me - bringing one life into the world while one hangs in the balance. But we made it through - all of us - because we are fighters. That is what we do!!

You were the most perfect baby boy I had ever had the opportunity to lay my eyes on. You had dark, silky hair and those big blue eyes...and let's not forget that adorable button nose. I wanted to just breathe you in....memorizing every single thing about you....wanting to ingrain it permanently into my mind. I wanted to kiss your button nose and those tiny feet all day long.

When they came to me and said you had jaundice and couldn't go home, I could have sworn that someone had stabbed me in the heart with a knife. I wanted nothing more than to bring you home - to have our family complete - to be your mommy in the real world -you know the world outside the safe confines of the hospital where nurses and doctors are just a buzz away to 'save the day". I watched you lay under the cried your eyes out....and at that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be able to crawl into that bed with you and endure those lights for you. It broke my heart to be so utterly helpless. As a new mommy, I didn't think about how that helpless feeling would occur many times in the future.

I was so in love with you - it was as if the world around us had ceased to exist - you were the only thing that mattered - poor daddy took a back seat those first months, but I am sure he will tell you he completely understands. We were both just smitten with you! You entered this world with us wrapped around your tiny baby fingers.

I remember those first weeks - I was so nervous and worried about doing everything right - I even kept a record of your pees and poops. LOL!! I remember telling daddy that I was terrified I was doing things wrong and that someone was going to come take you since I was incompetent. I know it must sound silly now, but at the time I truly was scared.

We've had our share of ups and downs in the last six years. I think in ways we are so much alike that we "bump heads". You and I are both stubborn, determined and perfectionists. As they say, the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree and you, my dear, are no exception!

When we found out you had Asperger's Syndrome, my heart ached. Not because you were different or anything like that, but because I just wanted to be able to make everything ok. I didn't and still don't want you to have to face any unnecessary struggles in life. I don't want you to have to endure teasing and ridicule by the ignorance of the world. As a mother, I want to be able to fix everything, and it's a hard pill to swallow knowing I can't do that. This is just one of those things that a kiss from mommy won't make all better.

I said when you were diagnosed that I would be your biggest cheerleader - your advocate and honey, that hasn't changed at all. If I won the lottery today, I'd spend they money getting you the very best doctors and schooling. I'd give money for research. I'd do whatever it took to help you because plain and simple, I love you!

This has been a hard week - I am not sure what all you will remember of it when you are older. But I assure you that I will never forget this week. It tears a mothers heart to shreds to be so helpless. It cuts like a knife to have to take your child and place them in a home to get them the help your child needs. I hope that you will someday come to understand that we didn't make this decision hastily - it was given much thought- many a  night were spent crying in bed contemplating this. I want you to know that it was made out of pure love for you. And the desire to see you get the help you need. Not only did it kill me to have to take you there and leave you, but it also killed me to know that I wasn't capable of giving you the help you need. To say I feel like I have failed you is an understatement.

Someday if you choose to have children, you will understand the amazing love you have for those little people. You will know and understand how your father and I made the decision to get you the help.

Trevor, you are so incredibly smart. You have amazed me since day one. I have always been so proud of you and proud to be able to say that you were my son!!! You are extremely funny! You constantly crack us up - all of us - even Victoria. You are such a handsome young man - still with those crystal blue eyes - someday my son, those eyes will drive the girls crazy! ;-) For now those eyes reveal the mischief in you! That smile from ear to ear - it's positively infectious! And that giggle - that giggle that could cheer up even the saddest of people. You are truly a gift to us in every way possible.

We've had six incredible years so far....and I look forward to a future full of even more!!! You are growing up so fast...I fear if I blink too much you'll have grown up completely. I know the future holds such wonderful promise for an amazing kid like yourself.

I love you more than words- you are my heart - my love!!! xoxoxo

Love you, mommy


1 comment:

  1. I absolutely love reading your blog Erin. I cry and laugh every time I read it. HUGE hugs for you and your family.