Wednesday, February 3, 2010

No one ever said there'd be days like this....

Yesterday morning after Trevor got home from school, he took off once again while I was trying to get their lunch made. He left the house wearing nothing but a fleecy type of jacket - no winter jacket, no gloves or mittens and no hat. I tried to get him back in the house but he was having none of that. He finally returns and I hear him talking to someone at the door and next thing he comes into the kitchen and tells me the police are here and want to see me. My heart sank once again!

See, this past Saturday I was giving Victoria a bath and next thing I know the doorbell rings. I can't very well leave a 2 yr old upstairs in the tub alone, so I scoop her up in a towel and run downstairs - mind you I am still in my jammies and unshowered - I looked like hell. I open the door to see a policeman standing there. Long story short. he had called 911 to just say "hello" and hung up. So of course, they sent someone over to make sure all was ok. I explained to the police officer Trevor's situation and he offered to have a talk with Trevor for me, which he did - even offering to give Trevor a tour if I brought him down to the police station.

Needless to say, to find out the police were back had my heart racing. Come to find out a neighbor was concerned about Trevor being outside in the cold with no jacket, etc, and they felt compelled to call the police. So we talked for a moment and I mistakenly thought that Trevor would understand he had to stay inside.

He had a bit of a meltdown when I told him he wouldn't be going back out.

Karl came home for lunch and had a talk with him then and he promised us both that he wouldn't go out again....that was short-lived. After Karl went back to work, it wasn't long before Trevor took off once again....and again, he was without a jacket/hat/gloves. It wasn't long before the doorbell was ringing again and this time it was housing mgmt bringing Trevor home as a neighbor called and complained to them about Trevor being out without having proper attire. I called Karl at work and just started bawling my eyes out.

We knew then what we had to do - we could no longer keep him safe here and his increasing violence was also a huge factor in making our decision.

I made the call to the Children's Crisis Unit and set up a time to bring him.

Karl came home and we got his things packed - which he can't have much from home at this point - basically just his clothes and his lovey. We explained to him where he was going and why and he was really upset. He cried and hugged and kissed us...we cried too....this was the hardest thing ever.

We dropped Vick's off at moms house and off we went.

We had to fill out quite a few papers - giving our consent to him being there and all that legal and technical jazz...and then the time came to see his room and say our goodbyes.

I've always struggled with goodbyes - frankly I suck at goodbye- whether it was for a weekend or a undetermined amount of time - I just can't handle it. And last night was definitely no exception!!! We got him settled into his room - might mention he's the only child in there right now, which I think will be a blessing, so he gets the one on one attention. We sat for a bit with him and then told him it was time for us to leave. He got a bit teary-eyed and hugged onto to us for a moment, but then this calm seemed to come over him - not sure what it was - don't know if he just knew that he had to be strong and do this or what...but he gave us high 5's and said goodbye and we left.

I was sooo worried he'd cry and scream when we left and to have him high 5 us, was a relief - it made it easier to wave and drive away. Though we both cried the whole way home - our hearts broken into millions of tiny little pieces. You know, no one ever tells you when you are pregnant that your heart is effectively no longer yours. Once you become pregnant, your heart now becomes the possession of your child - they hold it in their hands - they control it - and last night my heart broke for Trevor.

Taking your child to a place like this and leaving them was even harder than I imagined. See, I knew I'd be upset and cry but I mistakenly thought I could hold myself together, keep myself composed for Trevor's benefit...but that didn't happen. I lost it ...I bawled like a baby....I sobbed the kinds of tears that come from the very depths of a mothers soul....that gut wrenching and guttural sound.....the mama bear in me desperate to get her lil cub help but hating to have to walk away from him.

The drive home in between crying, I replayed everything over in my head...wondering if we had made the right decision. In my heart of hearts, I knew I did but the illogical part of me questioned it just the me the guilt trip. What kind of mother takes her child to a place like that voluntarily? What kind of mother can't give her child the help he needs? Where did I go wrong? Did I disciple too much like others have alluded to at times? Did I not disciple enough as others have also alluded to? Was it something I ate or drank while pregnant? What have I done wrong to cause my child to have this illness? As the mother, I place all blame and guilt upon my shoulders. I can't really explain it - I mean who else can I blame? It's not his fault - he's born this way. So naturally I feel this is my fault - my punishment for something - was I bad kid? a bad adult? what have I done to deserve this and make my child, the child who I longed for nearly 10 yrs to have, sick in this way?

When we picked Vicky up and got her into the car, the first thing she did was ask where "her" Trevor about starting the water works again. That just cut me like a knife.

When we finally got home and Vicky was into bed, we just collapsed into each others arms, sobbing once again. Like I said the rational part of me knew we had done the right thing - I'd do anything to get Trevor the help he needs, but that other part of me - the "doubting Thomas' if you will, sitting on my shoulder, whispering into my ear "failure" was really doing a number on my sanity.

I sat on the couch to watch "The Biggest Loser' in hopes that some mind numbing tv would help keep my mind off the events of the night, but in the end I fell asleep. I guess after a while exhaustion, be it mental or physical, takes over and the body must succumb at some point. Karl woke me at quarter of 2, when he woke up and realized I wasn't in bed with him. I went to bed but had a hard time falling back to mind racing...wondering if Trevor went to bed ok...would he sleep the whole night...were they treating him ok....and just when I would finally drift off to sleep, I'd wake up again thinking of him....I can't begin to tell you how long this went wasn't a good nights sleep at all.

This morning at the breakfast table, the first thing Vicky asked for was Trevor - again, another knife cutting through my heart. The poor thing is only 2 yr old - she's never been away from her brother - he's all she's ever known - and despite all the fights, they love each other so completely. Does she understand when we said he had to go away for a few days? I don't honestly know! It's hard to say. This is the same child who will to this day still talk about missing my dad who died back in May - she'll see his picture and start crying - she's a smart cookie this one...takes after her big brother.

We had a meeting today with Trevor's case manager - I think it was productive. The organization she works for has two types of case management and she's going to refer us to the other program. It's a "wrap around" program, designed on doing everything to keep the child in the home - they have more access to funds if needed and are able to do more for him. I think this will be good for him. We are also looking into a horse program - they work with kids like Trevor - working on the ranch - taking care of the animals - riding them, etc. Sort of like a therapy animal if that makes any sense.

We were able to go visit Trevor today - spent nearly an hour with him. It was awesome! He was so happy to see us - giving us hugs and kisses left and right. My heart skipped a beat when I saw him and his little face lite up like a Christmas tree. He had done well last night - slept basically 12 hours - had a good breakfast and lunch. They said he had a moment this morning where he was weepy, but that had been it. And he did have a weepy moment while we were there, because he asked them if he could come home and they said not yet. He was hoping to leave with us.

We are going back tomorrow morning for a big meeting with everyone to see where we go from here and how things are going thus far. And of course, we get to see Trevor again! It's given me something to look forward too.

I am sure I've left out bits and pieces here and there ...frankly my mind is all over the much I want to say and write about but once again, exhaustion is settling in and I am forgetting things I just know it.

Will update more tomorrow after our meeting....from what I understand he'll be there through the weekend...hoping I will know more tomorrow!!



  1. I honestly think you made the right decision. I hope that you're able to find proper long term support for both of you soon.

  2. I think you made a very tough decision, but it seems to be the right one. It sounds like he's doing well there. Keep your chin up! You are a wonderful mother!

  3. Erin, my heart is broken .. I know you have made the toughest choice but it truly was the right one! I admire you I am so sorry you have to deal with so many things all at once it seems but you are strong .. in the end this could be the best thing you have ever done even tho it's killing you on the inside .. lots of love Mel