We went to visit Trevor today, as we have done every day since we admitted him to the crisis unit. Each day that we have gone, he's been so excited to see us, very loving, happy, just wonderful to be around. However, today was not like that.
It started off somewhat normal - he was excited to see us initially. But it didn't take long for the excitement to wear off and the other side of Trevor to reemerge. First he spoke of wanting to stay there forever because they made him better food. And then he started to get angry - he had that look in his eyes - he told us he didn't want to come home - he wanted to stay there and when he does come home, he is going to run away.
Plain and simple, I was crushed!
Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting everything to come up roses, but I didn't expect him to not want to come home or start talking about running away before he even got home.
We ended up cutting our visit short as he just didn't seem to care that we were there.
I. was. crushed.
I really can't stress that enough or make that any clearer. Every day I've been showered with hugs and kisses and so much love, that to see him go back to that other side, well....it just hurt me to the core.
I cried on the way home - this wasn't the way I wanted things to be when we visit him.
What's crazy is, that when we were going to leave, he was all happy again - talk about playing with a persons mind.
We called him tonight as we always do after supper and before he goes to bed. He didn't want to talk long - oh don't get me wrong, he sounded happy to hear me, but he cut the conversation short and said he just wanted to go. And once again, I. was. crushed.
The first few days he was there, he was the only child there and he was getting 24/7 attention from the staff and of course, us, when we came to visit. But between yesterday and this morning when we arrived, there were 4 more kids - all preteen/teen and my best guess is that he's upset cause he's no longer the center of attention. Now he must share the staff with these other children who also have needs, etc.
We are going up tomorrow to visit him and I am hoping that it goes better. My heart can't take much more right now.
This has been a hell week in more ways then one. It was February 2nd, 2010 when we took Trevor up to the crisis unit. And it was February 2nd, 2009 when my dad was taken to the hospital and would never come home again. I have all this racing around my mind - missing Trevor and missing my dad - both share such a special part of my heart. It's just a lot to deal with all at once. I can only imagine what it will be like in May when the first anniversary of his passing comes up.....I was hoping by now it would be easier, but truth is, it isn't. I miss him just as much now as I did the days after he passed. And then to not have Trevor here this week, talk about emotion overload!
Trevor's birthday is Thursday - he'll be 6! We did some shopping today for his gifts. I suppose I can talk about them since he can't read my blog...we've ordered him a Spongebob Leapster 2 as well as the deluxe set of stacking cups he wanted. We picked him up some clothes and a couple other Spongebob things and Crayola things. We aren't doing a party this year - with the way things have been and then now with him having been a way, we decided we just wanted it low key and just us. He's been begging to go to this particular restaurant for ages, so we said we'd take him there and then come home and celebrate with cake/ice cream/gifts. I still plan on making him the John Deere cake he wanted too. I even ordered a couple Mylar John Deere birthday balloons to have in the house for him.