Sunday, March 7, 2010

I am such a loser!!

I am pissed off at myself!!! No, really I am!

You see for several years now, by the time fall rolls around, I tell myself I need to get dieting/exercising, so that the following summer I am more comfortable, etc. I tell myself I have all winter to get working. And you know what? Winter passes, and suddenly spring is on the doorstep and I am still the same lazy, fat person I was back at the beginning of the winter. Gah...I do this every.single.year! I am so mad at myself. I could have easily been down 30-40 lbs by now, but instead I am just starting, which means that I will be nowhere comfortable with myself by the time summer rolls around, so I'll spend another summer trying to hide myself in long sleeve shirts and jeans in the 80-90 degree weather sweating my ass off. How stupid is that? How dumb am I?

Before I found out I was pregnant with Trevor, I had lost 85 lbs ...of course it was by smoking and not eating and stress - not exactly the healthy way to loose weight. And while I still had some to loose even at that point, I was feeling so much better about myself - I had confidence - I didn't try to hide inside my house all the time. I gained 60lbs with Trevor....only lost maybe 15 of those pounds and then got pregnant with Victoria and gained about 30, which I pretty much lost within 4 months of her being born. Then we moved and the stress continued to pile on, and instead of staving myself this time, I ate and ate and sat around, and wallowed, and gained 35lbs. I am at the highest weight I have ever been. I struggle to find clothes that are still somewhat stylish and fit me. I am embarrassed of myself. I am embarrassed for the kids. I am mad at myself for not being a better role model for the kids. I don't want them to grow up thinking that being lazy is acceptable or healthy. I've been deluding myself into thinking it wasn't that bad because my cholesterol and blood sugar, etc, were all great. Well guess what....those numbers are changing and not for the better. No longer can I sit back and pretend that I am healthy despite being so overweight.

I let my weight hold me back from so much - I hate going out in public - I don't want to go out with friends - I don't want to go out to restaurants because I am afraid people are starring at me wondering what that really fat lady is going to eat. I am scared to go to the movies because the seats are tight. I want to be able to take the kids anywhere and run and play and not worry about who is watching me as I am huff and puff and try to catch up with them.

There is this whole other person stuck inside my body - someone who has so many aspirations - so many goals - who is outgoing - funny - caring - and she wants to come out. I need to do this - I need this for me.


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