Monday, May 30, 2011


Karl hooked up the VCR today so that Trevor could watch a movie I picked him up at Catholic Charities. While he was getting the VCR ready, he found a disc inside that was full of almost a years worth of pictures from when Trevor was a toddler. I sat and looked at every single one of those pictures - reliving each moment captured. He's grown so much - changed in so many ways. I thought I had lost all those pictures and to have them again means so much to me.

And then Karl discovered a video tape - at the beginning was Trevor's ultrasound where we found out he was a boy, then in the hospital when he was born and a couple months after that.

Talk about a flood of emotions. I don't know if this was a good time or a bad time to find this stuff when you consider the upcoming surgery. It was hard to watch - to see that new life fluttering on the screen - knowing that was my baby growing inside me. To see him after he was first born - all new and cuddly - safely in my arms - to see him at a month old cooing and smiling (and yes, I tell myself he was indeed smiling at me) melted my heart.

And once again, it was an all too real reminder of the fact that soon that stage of my life is ending.

I was one of those women who absolutely loved being pregnant. Sure I had days where I was ready to be done and have my baby on the outside with me, but overall, I loved it. I loved the attention from strangers who would "ooooh" and "ahhhh" over my baby belly...who would ask me when I was due and if I knew what I was having. I loved feeling those flutters and eventually kicks to my poor bladder! LOL! I loved the glow that I had. I loved going to the doctor - hearing the heartbeat. Those were some of the best times! I lived for it - breathed it - read everything I could - I just really enjoyed being pregnant!

It's weird knowing that I will never experience that again.

I think had money and my sanity not been a concern, I would have had a dozen babies! LOL!

I told Karl that some night this week after everyone is fast asleep I am going to go downstairs and pop that tape in and watch it from start to finish and I am sure there will be tears shed ,but it will be ok. I will be ok. I have faced many obstacles...many bumps along the road, but I will get through this.

Yes, I will be ok!


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