Friday, June 24, 2011

How could I forget?

I can't believe that I almost forgot this. For about a week now Victoria has been going to bed with her bedroom lamp off. This is major! As an infant she always had just a nightlight - more for me to be able to see in the night than anything else. Once she got into the toddler bed, she wanted a lamp on - so for a year or so now. But now, no lamp! And it wasn't something we pushed her into  - she choose to do this all on her own. I am so proud of her - she's becoming such a big girl. Holy hell, she's going to be 4 five months from today! So not fair! 

Who is that woman?

This past weekend while laying in bed recovering, I started typing my surgery story. I had full intention of blogging about it, but got tired and set it aside, and now I don't think I can or will. I'll leave it there in my drafts folder and maybe some day I'll share the experiences of the surgery and the hospital stay, but for now, I am leaving that behind me. I don't honestly want to think about that hospital stay as it just upsets me.

So back to the present, yesterday I went for my first follow-up appointment. Everything looks good - I have one incision that isn't quite as healed as the others, so I am to put peroxide on it daily and keep it covered for now. I am to keep laying low for a few more weeks. On one hand it's nice to have permission so to speak to do nothing much, but on the other hand I miss my freedom to do whatever I want. 

I was having a good day yesterday, so I thought. I had my appointment, which went well. I contacted Catholic Charities of Maine to get a new case manager for Trevor, and just was in a good mood overall. And then out of nowhere, something "snapped" inside me - it was close to the time that Trev's therapist was supposed to be here and I didn't want anyone here - I didn't want to see anyone - so I actually called and cancelled her for the day. As much as I hate to say it, but I didn't even want the kids talking to me. It's like all day long it's something - "Can I have a drink?", "Can I have a snack?", "Get me something to eat" , and it just continues like that all day long - especially from Victoria. I don't know where this kid puts the food but it's a constant barrage of "get me x". And it rubbed me the wrong way yesterday. And so I found myself going from happy to just crying and not wanting to be around people in no time. I curled up on the couch and just cried. 

I imagine it's the hormones that are out of whack right now. I started the HRT (hormone replacement therapy) yesterday and I hope that I quickly notice a difference. I don't want to be "that mom". I can remember my mom blaming menopause often as a kid for her bitchy attitude and behavior. And I don't want to be like that. At the very least, at least I recognize that I had an issue yesterday, am on the medication now and hopefully am on the road to recovery, not just physically but mentally/emotionally as well. This is a whole new experience for me and I am learning as I go. 

Monday, June 20, 2011

Lost of Innocence & Biopsy Follow-Up

Today I took Victoria to the doctor for a follow-up on her biopsy for her mole. As with any appointments we have, I always go above and beyond to make sure the kids look perfect. It's a thing of mine - I grew up in a family where going to appointments, be it doctor, school, etc, you wore your Sunday best. Hair was done, clothes were dressy and clean and ironed, faces/hands were clean - basically there was not a thing out of place. I know it's ridiculous but it's just one of those things from my own childhood that I can't seem to shake!

So today I put a dress on Vicky - a cute little navy blue sundress with pink/white polka dots all over it, a little lightweight pink sweater (it was only about 60 degrees today), and her sandals. I did her hair up with some curls and a navy bow to match. She looked perfect! 

Now here is where I admit, that I thoroughly enjoy all the compliments I get when we go places and people comment on how nice my kids look. 

So the minute we step out of the car, we are met by one of the office workers returning from lunch. She begins to gush on about Vicky. We get inside and they immediately go crazy - they really adore her. They all know her and come to see her - commenting on how cute she looks again today. 

We are called back and the doctor comes in and of course, he gushes over her too - said she is a cutie patootie. She acts all shy and puts her head down but the big smile can't be hidden. LOL! 

Anyways, the appointment went well - the mole is benign, which is a huge relief! He wants to start conservatively and try the laser first. If that doesn't work well enough, then he can incise it. I agree with him in starting conservatively. Because she is still young, the scarring should be fairly minimal and overtime will become less and less. However, he wants to give the area from the biopsy plenty of time to heal before he starts the removal process. So we are going to wait 10 weeks and then go back in and go from there. So glad everything is falling into place. And I am so glad we have this doctor - he's absolutely fabulous! 

So, by now you are wondering what this has to do with the lost of innocence. Well, let me tell you...

As we sat in the waiting room, Vicky got on the floor to play at a toy box they have in the waiting room. Sitting  in front of her were two older men - 60's? 70's? - somewhere around that. Anyways, being a little girl who loves to play, she was moving around quite a bit and it hit me that at any moment, she'd be flashing her panties at these old men. And in that moment, I was so mad at myself for not having something under the dress. I wanted to tell her to pull her dress down but didn't want to draw attention to it. As I sat there hoping she'd move and her dress wouldn't expose anymore, I got to thinking...we live in a day and age where we have to be concerned about our little girls accidentally exposing themselves. I remember at one point talking to some moms who bought shorts for their daughters to wear under dresses and I didn't really understand what the big deal was all about. But now I have a little girl and I want to protect her above everything. The very thought that some old man (or young man or woman or alien with red eyes - point is it doesn't matter) might be having lewd thoughts about my little girl pisses me off in a big way. 

We live in a time where kids have lost so much innocence.  We live in such an eff'd up world that our kids have to pay the price. It's sad really when you think about it. 

So I am off to scour the net for some inexpensive plain shorts that I can put on Vicky under her dresses....sigh....

Saturday, June 18, 2011

8 Months of Crazy

Laying in bed last night I got to thinking about the past 8 months - it's been one hell of a ride let me tell you!

November 2010: 
- I had my remaining 3 wisdom teeth removed
- Vicky's 3rd birthday
- Thanksgiving

December 2010:
- Vicky has tonsils/adenoids surgery
- Trevor's support services end
- Christmas

January 2011:
- New Years 

February 2011:
-Trevor's 7th birthday
-Karl has carpal tunnel surgery
- Karl and Trevor go away for a weekend

March 2011:
- My 35th birthday
- Trevor is hospitalized for a week again
-Karl gets done at his job and begins a new job

April 2011:
- I have knee surgery
-Our 12th wedding anniversary
- Easter

May 2011:
-Karl has carpal tunnel surgery on other wrist
- Vicky has biopsy on her "Angel Kiss"
- Preschool ends for Vicky

June 2011:
-School ends for Trevor
- I have hysterectomy

Sadly June isn't done either. On Monday, I take Vicky back to the Dr. to follow-up on the biopsy results and schedule the surgery to remove it. And next month Trevor will go for his consultation with the Orthodontist. 

What this doesn't take into account is all the other doctor's appointments, therapy appointments, errands, etc. I really am hoping that maybe the rest of this year things can slow down and return to "normal"...whatever that is! LOL! And I am hoping that I am done going under the knife for a looooong time! 

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Death of Fairy Tales

The other morning on Facebook I saw a blog post from I think maybe it was Parents magazine regarding little girls and watching Disney movies. There seems to be this growing phenomenon that if we let our little girls watch fairy tales movies they will grow up to be disillusioned young women who sit idly by waiting for a handsome prince with nary a brain cell in their little heads.

I am not sure where this idea started or when it started becoming such a major issue in the forefront of parenting. Perhaps it was the same time that parents felt they needed to really push aside the traditional ideas of childhood. It's like there is this growing trend to buck anything that is tradition - anything that comes from our parents and grandparents generation. Parents seem to be working overtime these days to make sure their little girls play in the dirt and with superheros and their little boys play dress up and Barbie. Instead of just letting kids be...letting kids just play as they want...parents these days are making such a production of making sure their kids buck the trend. I see it all over the Internet - parents who go out of their way to make sure the world knows that their daughters play with cars and their boys play with dolls. Who cares? I mean would it be the end of the world if a boy did play with trucks and a girl did play with dolls? No. Nor is it the end of the world when a girl plays with trucks and a boy plays with dolls. It's just not that big of a deal.

But somewhere along the way, parenting became askew.

Somewhere along the way it became a faux-pas to let your little girl watch a Disney Princess movie and let her dream of someday becoming a fairy princess. Because let's face it - there are a whole bunch of crazy ass women out there who believe their prince will come all thanks to Disney and it's damn movies. I hope their parents are paying for their therapy bills.

So, let's toss aside the fairy tales because it gives the wrong message to our little girls. And while we are at it, let's throw away books too...because they too could lead young girl astray, right? I mean, some little girls could grow up thinking that spiders really do talk and that pigs really wear little red dresses and pick on their little "bothers".

What kills me is on the flip side, while we are pushing aside fairy tales, we have embraced the trampy look for little girls. Padded bikini tops - thongs and other skimpy underwear - shoes with chunky wedges/heels - pants with catchy phrases across the ass - . It's ok to dress little girls like little live "Bratz" dolls but heaven forbid they have the innocent belief in a fairy tale. Tell me this isn't a messed up world! Does a 4 yr old really need to have the word "juicy" across her backside? Does a 3 yr old really need hooker shoes? Does a 7 yr old really need padding for her bikini?

I am a 35 yr old grown woman - a married woman - a mother of two. I played with Barbie's and Tonka trucks...I watched Disney movies till the cows came home...I also watched "Little House on the Prairie" and " The Waltons" ...and yet somehow I managed to come out of my childhood unscathed. I did not grow up with this crazy idea that I'd literally be a princess.

I think it's time to get our heads out of our asses! Time to get our priorities straight!

Kids are only little once...part of childhood is believing in magical things like the ToothFairy, Disney Princess's, Santa, etc.

The real harm comes from taking that innocence away.

Monday, June 6, 2011


Today Victoria had a biopsy on her mole in preparation for upcoming surgery to remove it. The biopsy was not only to make sure that it's nothing cancerous but also to determine how deep this mole is. Once the doctor knows how deep it is, he'll be able to tell if he can remove it via laser or if he'll have to cut it out. They will have the results back within a week. They wanted us to come back next week, but with me having surgery myself next week, we are going back in two weeks instead.

I must say I was so proud of Vicky today - she couldn't eat or drink for 6 hours prior to her appointment. It was a long morning for her since her appointment wasn't till 12:20pm. She asked for food/drink a few times and even said that she couldn't take it any longer, but she never really whined or had any tantrums. She was such a good girl about everything. And so very brave during the whole appointment. They just adore her today! It was cute when the Dr. and nurse came in to the room at first and said that Vicky won the award for cutest patient for the day! :-) 

So, we return in two weeks and will schedule surgery then. She's just so anxious to have it off. I hate that she's been made fun of it because of it. I wanted her to grow up and love herself even with that mark. I wanted her to grow up knowing how beautiful she was because of it. I hate that even at 3.5yrs old, she's been made fun of by kids and adults alike. Some people really suck! 

Sunday, June 5, 2011


It seems like just yesterday that I was posting on Facebook and here on the blog about Vicky sleeping in our bed and my attempts to get it to stop. But the truth is, she hasn't slept in our bed all night long in a long time.

You know when you are in the moment, it seems like it will never end. You try to reassure yourself that your child won't still be in your bed when she is 15! LOL! 

And so it seemed like it lasted forever, but in actuality, it ended rather quickly. And I miss it. 

Yep, there I said it! 

Oh hell, I love my sleep...I love being able to sprawl out...roll over on a whim...hang my leg over the side of the bed....use 4 pillows...etc...that is all fabulous....but....

...but there is the part of me that misses that warm, little body curled up in my arms sleeping ever so peacefully. 

Tonight we let Vicky stay up late and watch tv in bed with us and don't you know that she ended up falling asleep in my arms. 

And it was magical! 

I let her sleep there for half an hour before I tucked her into bed and kissed her one last time. 

Right before my very eyes, these kids are growing up in what seems like leaps and bounds. One day I am changing diapers and breastfeeding and the next we are playing board games and doing crafts. Long gone are the days of round-the-clock feedings, burp pads, diapers, enormous diaper bags, itty-bitty baby clothes, etc. 

When we had Trevor, I found myself looking forward to every single new milestone. Looking back, it seems like I rushed his babyhood...anxious to see him grow and do new things. So when Victoria came along, I swore (no, really, I said it out loud to Karl even) that I would not rush her - I would enjoy each stage - I wouldn't "push" for each new milestone. But it didn't work - she still grew up way too fast. She's 3.5yrs going on 25. It's not often that she wants to sit still long enough to cuddle with me - I joke that she has ants in her pants - she's go, go, go!!! So, when moments like tonight come along, where I can cuddle her and watch her sleep peacefully in my arms, I cherish it and soak it all up!