Friday, June 24, 2011

Who is that woman?

This past weekend while laying in bed recovering, I started typing my surgery story. I had full intention of blogging about it, but got tired and set it aside, and now I don't think I can or will. I'll leave it there in my drafts folder and maybe some day I'll share the experiences of the surgery and the hospital stay, but for now, I am leaving that behind me. I don't honestly want to think about that hospital stay as it just upsets me.

So back to the present, yesterday I went for my first follow-up appointment. Everything looks good - I have one incision that isn't quite as healed as the others, so I am to put peroxide on it daily and keep it covered for now. I am to keep laying low for a few more weeks. On one hand it's nice to have permission so to speak to do nothing much, but on the other hand I miss my freedom to do whatever I want. 

I was having a good day yesterday, so I thought. I had my appointment, which went well. I contacted Catholic Charities of Maine to get a new case manager for Trevor, and just was in a good mood overall. And then out of nowhere, something "snapped" inside me - it was close to the time that Trev's therapist was supposed to be here and I didn't want anyone here - I didn't want to see anyone - so I actually called and cancelled her for the day. As much as I hate to say it, but I didn't even want the kids talking to me. It's like all day long it's something - "Can I have a drink?", "Can I have a snack?", "Get me something to eat" , and it just continues like that all day long - especially from Victoria. I don't know where this kid puts the food but it's a constant barrage of "get me x". And it rubbed me the wrong way yesterday. And so I found myself going from happy to just crying and not wanting to be around people in no time. I curled up on the couch and just cried. 

I imagine it's the hormones that are out of whack right now. I started the HRT (hormone replacement therapy) yesterday and I hope that I quickly notice a difference. I don't want to be "that mom". I can remember my mom blaming menopause often as a kid for her bitchy attitude and behavior. And I don't want to be like that. At the very least, at least I recognize that I had an issue yesterday, am on the medication now and hopefully am on the road to recovery, not just physically but mentally/emotionally as well. This is a whole new experience for me and I am learning as I go. 

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